Yours Madly, Madras

“Welcome to Chennai… Idhu enga ooru” no such lines blarred in the radio to welcome me when I made a loud entry to this special place 25 years back… Instead it was the vividh bharathi news that was getting read with a monotonous tone in a tiny transister that kept the nurse awake I squealed at the top of my voice though the tiny transister gave me a tough competition with its “Thadha ri na naaaa“…Such was my entry into this world and the day my association with Chennai began!

The first faint memory that I get when I think about my toddler days is of building mud houses with colour colour cups for moulds   Since I was closer to beach, my childhood was closely associated with the sands, water, shells and the salty breeze. I uttered my first word much before my peer group did but didn’t take slightest effort to take a step (oh ya.. peer pressure began ) .. Everyday after my play in the beach I was given training to stand ! My leg was buried deep in the sand… I found it ticklish and fun… My mom used to hold my hands and I stood… For the first time I saw the world from an elevated position From then on, till I took my first step (which was in 2 or 3 months from the day my training began) I had this standing training after my play session! My neighbour/bestie who walked by then still gave me company by burying his legs too

Holidays were the best… We used to go on a cycle race and used to apply brakes at the finish line with full force! The dust cloud that formed was an indication to people that our summer vacation began. We have gone cycling far and wide ignoring the warning “Do not go to main road”.While cycling when we cross a temple, we used to leave one hand from the handle bar and do a prayer gesture It was a way to show off that we can cycle with 1 hand We used to park our cycles in beach, get a corn/mangai (uppu- kaaram extra) with the coins in our pocket and happily walk back pushing the cycle. In between, we step into the Santhome church where we have a “father” friend… He used to tell us stories from Bible and give us an apple.. I have never tasted a sweeter apple in my life ! We had “moonlight dinner” where all of us pack our dinners and go to terrace… No elders allowed… We used to eat and lie down facing the stars… We name the constellations on our own… treated constellations as pets and we used to look out for it everyday

Usually kids in the house are sent in the morning to get necessary groceries. I was no different. I loved it as I got a commission of 2Rs and it would be useful for the evening corn session. My bestie and me used to walk together to the ‘Ramesh Anna Kadai’ which was a normal departmental store but the biggest according to us. While we waited for our turns, we would be arguing about who won the last WWE cards game , simultaneously popping arusi (rice) that will be kept in the jute bag outside. We used to run to ‘Ramesh Anna kadai’ to get the latest free tatoos in boomer and the milo gifts… We have even argued with the enemy gang (next street gang) that cars will be sold in that shop.. According to us, there is nothing which is unavailable in ‘Ramesh Anna kadai’

I used to go to school by van…I missed my van one fine evening as I was busy playing book cricket with my friend. When I came out, the road was desserted and “watchman uncle” was not at the gate. There was an auto stand nearby , I went to them and said “Anna… veetukku ponam” (I asked him to take me home). I was having my face stern as I was instructed not to talk to strangers. He laughed and started the auto… I didn’t know to express the directions properly as I was just 10 years old… he had a tough time deciphering the landmarks… All I told him was “Anna… Beach irukku la… Adhu pakathula street kulla street kulla street kulla pona… oru amman temple varum… adhu pakkathula oru dead end irukku. Anga dhan en veedu ” (Forget the translation… I just didn’t give him any address ) Then somehow he asked me to show the school diary, got the address and dropped me home. I happily told “Anna…. en kuda veetukku vanga… Amma kita ketu money vangitharen” (I asked him to accompany me to my home to get the money from my mom). My mom was shocked… She paid the money and what followed was a live WWE show at home We started meeting that auto anna frequently on the roads and he still reminds me of this incident Such auto annas and share auto incidents can never be negected in Namma Chennai.

My first ever outing with my friends was to Spencers Plaza… It was a huge achievement then. We took change of clothes from uniform, changed at a friend’s place and went to spencer’s… That day was the day I felt “Am no more a kid ” After which, treats were in Gangothri where 1 Bhel puri was shared by 10 of us due to budget constraints We were enrolled to summer vacation classes at Ramakrishna Mutt where they thought us Yoga, drawing and singing… I went to the class throughout just because they gave me yummy hot hot sundal at the end of the class

Then came a time where I had to stay away from my home… I missed Chennai big time… Though it sounds filmy, I used to keep dreaming about my beach (yes! it was my beach) church, long rides….People tell salt water and air makes you to tan, but it was the other way round for me. I became tan as soon as I went away and used to get back to normal after a shower with my usual salt water at home

It doesn’t seem like a perfect morning if I don’t wake up to the smell of filter Kaapi… Shopping never feels like it till I walk down the streets of Pondy Bazaar and bargain at 2 or 3 shops… It never feels like am home till I get to smell the world’s best sambhar and rasam when my mom is cooking…IPL matches never feel complete till Dhoni and Raina come in yellow jersey to say “Namma Chennai Super kings-ku whistle podu’… Rainy days are never complete without the hot hot Bhajji..My sentences never feel complete till I sprinkle a little of my Chennai tamil ‘scene podadha’, ‘mass-u’, ‘gethu‘, ‘kalaaikadha‘ atleast once…On the whole, am truely deeply madly in love with Madras… Namma Chennai

 

And yeah…my post doesn’t feel complete if I don’t Rajini-fy it Idhu epdi irukku

Happy 375th Madras Day (Aug 22nd)

 

This is my tiny tribute to my Chennai

Picture courtesy: Google
 

FIFA is over… Move on!

After a month of talks about goals, freekicks, yellow cards, red cards… suddenly silence spreads like wild fire, sucking out the fifa air and leaving us with a vaccum of ‘what do I do now?’ Whenever the world needs me, I appear… Tadaa  (#selfdabba alert)

Many who have stayed back till wee hours to catch up with the action are now finding it difficult to sleep early…errr… I mean at the normal time. So here lets ponder over the best alternatives that can fill the vaccum and get over the FIFA madness

Note: This post is not meant only for FIFA fans but also for the normal junta who has managed to stay aloof from the maddening atmosphere. You will know the reason at the end of this post

 Yours Googly, Doodle

The FIFA fever creeps in early in the morning when we open Google and check ‘whats the doodle today?’ As soon as the Germans lifted the cup, The Doodle makers in Google have gone on a holiday. May be their daughters too would have written to Google about their dad over-working during FIFA and not getting home as he is busy preparing the next day doodle. You don’t know the Google-daughter story.. check here. May be ask your daughter to tear a page from her class note and scribble saying ‘My dad is feeling low without your FIFA doodle series ‘(or you can do it by scribbling with your left hand). If you manage to get it to Google and are lucky enough to get a reply, you become a hero in social networking site! This is called #OvernightlaObamatechnique. If you are a person maintaining low profile and don’t want publicity (like me  ) then best option, choose an alternative search engine like Bing as home page for few days till you get ready to see a plain Google.

 Sony 6…5..4..3..2..1 *fades away*

Are you the one who forgot there are 999 other channels in the world for 1 month? Are you the one who switched on the TV with Sony Six and switched off with Sony Six? Then this is for you. Task 1: First find out where you left your TV remote last. Since it was hardly needed for the past month, there are possibilities that it is lying somewhere amidst your old cardboard boxes pile. When you search for this, you will unearth many other lost treasures and either end up focussing on those or end up counting your sneezes… Either way its a passtime  Task 2: Once you find your remote, change the channels. Whoa! Your eyes will welcome this change as it is now used to seeing only a big green round space with objects running here and there  You get a whole lot of options ranging from serials that are still at the same place since you last saw to Arnab shouting at the peek of his voice. Take your time to choose your favourite substitutes!

 From Extra Time to Strategic time out!

We are a cricketing nation and cricket won’t let you down. We have matches all through the year. Change your focus from Julio Caesar to Ishant Sharma. They are badly in need of your attention! If rumours are to be believed, our cricketers themselves have started ignoring the England series and started watching FIFA. Players are found cajoling Dhoni to not pick him in the team as they can watch FIFA. TV ad incomes have also hit an all time low complains a star player(#source-secret agent at the dressing room  ). So lets help our Dhoni and get them into spotlight again.

 Make Hay while the Sun shines

You will have to wait for 4 years to get this chance again… So say ‘Treeeeeeeeeeeeat’ and take your friend and a get a free lunch as Germans have won. One friend per day. Start with friends who supported Germany (Am sure many supported Germans  ) and once you have exhausted the options, move on to other nations and finally even the non-FIFA fans. Talk them out so that they can’t deny (Tips and secrets will be shared only if I get a treat   )

 Whatever!

Now you are used to talking to your friend non-stop reviewing the previous night match. Now that FIFA is over, you can’t end up just starring at each other for hours (Errrr… its so filmy  ). Start with random topics ‘Did you watch EK Villain or Humshakal?’  ‘Have you stood upside down for 1 hr?’ ‘Did you know when you sneeze ur heart skips a beat’ Get a milo fact book (I got it free with Milo) and conversations will prolong till the other person faints and falls down 

And finally for the sleepless nights, drink warm milk , count from 100 backwards, count the sheep… There are N number of sleep Apps available in Google play. Make use of the technology. If it works rate with 5 stars, if not give 1 star and write a long post about how much of mental trauma you underwent cos you installed that app  It might ease you off and you will fall asleep.

Please try the above at your own risk as these stunts are performed only by professionals who are ready to face any consequences  If you are one of them please try and let me know if and only if the outcome is positive … else here is the disclaimer: In case of unexpected negative consequences of rotten eggs, tomatoes or bad words, the owner of the post should never be contacted as it was done at your own risk :P

Note: Non-FIFA fans… Beware! Your friend might try these on you to get over the FIFA hangover…After all a friend in need is a friend indeed 

Its Story Time!

It was when I was put in charge of my niece and nephews , I realised how difficult it was to baby-sit! I had to keep them occupied throughout the day to avoid any “unintended disaster” in the otherwise calm house.

While they were busy painting rather dirtying the place, I was busy preparing myself for the next big task… Story time! The toughest job… I need to coin a story that meets and caters to every single kid’s taste ! The panel of judges that I have , have the capability to reject the story as soon as I start if they find it boring!

During the process of my research, I found that there different styles of stories and each style has its own targetted audience

#EkthaKapoorstyle

This style has a lot of drama and gives a high dosage of emotions! Your lead character has to go through all possible problems before you wrap up the climax. My mom had used this style to narrate a story about an orphan kid. I used to be almost in tears when she narrates a scene where a bad aunty pushes him away when he asks for food. This story is a massive hit….We Indians are emotional you see  Tip: The introduction of the lead role is highly important and should gain all sympathy votes right in the first scene! My mom starts off like “Avanukku amma vum ilaa… Appa-vum illa… thaatha-vum illa paati-um illa…(Translation: The boy has neither mom nor dad, no grandpa and no grandma…)goes on till all possible realtions are covered”… One word “orphan” wouldn’t have stirred so much emotion 

#TheGaaptainStyle

Vijayakanth fans should have decifered from the name  This style should involve lot of numbers and facts. For Eg: 4 brothers start to a city which is 1000 km away from the village and have to reach within 20 days. They travel first 150km by walk which takes 2 days and so on. You can throw out few questions in between to make a random check on their mathematics skills. Trust me… before you ask the 2nd question they will be asleep  My dad used this technique with me! Tip: Your algebra problem statements can come handy 

#Rajinistyle

This style is best suited if your panel of judges are Homo sapiens with  XY chromosome. It doesn’t require any logic. Every 1 minute there should be a grand-scale fight sequence where the lead should beat up atleast 20 people at one go. He should jump from the flight, run on a moving train, bite a bullet and kill 5 people with the same but still emerge without even a slightest scratch! Tip: Be attentive! When you are busy narrating, there will be a kid busy trying the same with his brother. So put out a warning every now and then “All stunts will be performed ONLY by our story’s hero. Imitation of the same will lead to stopping the story immediately.”

#Grannystyle

This is the safest style. You can pick up any mythological story that has a God factor in it and finish off your work. Tip: This is the only style that allows repetition of same stories. When my Granny starts a story from Ramayan/Mahabharath, we used to shout in chorus “Paaaati… Bore!” My granny with wide eyes remarks “Never say boring to God stories. He will be watching and the person who listens to his story with rapt attention will become His favourite kid” Now tell me which kid would deny that offer 

#Disneystyle

This style is limited only to targeted audience especially if the group has little fairies as its majority. It consists of princess, castles, animals who can speak…In other words a re telecast of Pogo channel 

After all this analysis was done, I sat up ready for the test  I did a bit of last minute prep (habituated you see  ) and went to meet my panel armed with details… ‘So…. Everybody ready for the story time’ I called out with oozing confidence like Arnab ready to fire his set of panelists. I was greeted with a positive ‘Yaaeeeeee’  Getting bit more over confident I asked “So… what story do you want today?” I realised it was a very wrong question as soon as my nephew shouted “I want a new story… Something about my galaxy Tab” I cursed my sis for making them techfreaks.

My brain scrolled through the style list and coined one of its own

#Aishu’s style

This is the combination of all the above styles and targetted for the techfreak nephews like mine. As in Rajini style the lead role does all heroic stunts. Then a bit of ektha kapoor style to add emotions.Of course Gaaptain and Disney too. One difference is the lead character is …. Tadaaaa!… Presenting our hero Android who fights with malicious software, jumps firewalls, retrieves the stolen data and finally emerges successful