[Theme- Humour]~ Loff Wogaay Pleej

While reading this post, there are few guidelines to be followed. After every para, pause and look at the title for the instruction (hope you have decoded the title) and do as the title says. Then proceed to the next para 

A few days back we were returning home as usual in the same usual bus. Everything seemed usual until we heard ‘boooooom’. We slightly opened our eyes like Tom and noticed something smoggy. I thought it’s my dream and I’m going to have a dream song  Blame the movies  But smell seemed weird and somehow didn’t fit my dream song feel. So I again blinked my eyes and checked, there was smoke. Real smoke in the bus.

I turned back and asked my friend who was sitting unperturbed. His answer made me realize that my dream song analysis was much better. He said ‘I think they are bursting crackers outside. Leave’. I wasn't convinced as it was getting too smoky and I couldn’t see first few seats. Soon people started getting up to evacuate. Asking about the driver? He was already standing down. My friend and I were in the last few seats, so we stood at the tail end of the queue to get down. Few guys behind were trying to open the emergency exit. Not cos it was an emergency… just cos we were bored and couldn’t just stand in the queue and get down. We wanted to add spice to scene  Well, it didn’t open.
As I was nearing the engine, my friend whispered into my ear. What if, when you just step near, it explodes . I turned and gave him a stare that clearly conveyed my mind voice of did I ask you? *yen da yen…adhu en da enna paathu indha kelvi keta…Adhan ivlo peru irukangala* As I neared the engine, my heart went dhak-dhak… Smoke intensity and pressure increased suddenly like a volcano going to erupt any moment. I turned and looked at my friend who was happily whistling ‘Ayo pathikichu pathikichu…oh oh kanne’. Exactly when I stood next to the engine, people getting down stopped as the driver was checking something. I had to wait near the engine and heard few guys from behind say ‘Govinda Govindaaa…’ I again rechecked whether I was actually not dreaming . I confessed to my friend ‘Doesn’t it  feel like  Final Destinationl (tamil remake)…We all cheat death, escape out… then we find the pattern and finally it’s all over. Now ‘Ayyo patthikkichu’ became just free-flow-CO2. No sound It was my tit for tat…Pazhikku pazhi..Ratthathukku rattham moment 

Once we got down and stood out, driver was busy checking. We were also checking. Don’t ask what… I don’t know. He was looking down, so I also looked down. Then we went around the bus and finally asked , ‘Ennachu anna?’ (what happened?). He rubbed his chin… And looked harder at the bus… I was all set to hear the most complicated answer with Einsten’ theory combined with Newton’s law adding a pinch gauss law and prepared follow up questions in advance  All he said was ‘Therila ma’ *Aaaa-aaa- kamal’s then pandi chimayile* That was the moment when I understood the emotion behind that word therila and the reason why kamal choked with emotion…the essence of the song… That one word was my trigger to enlightenment. Just then, a guy from a house nearby came out like we were going to have a flash mob now and he was going to do lungi dance. He looked at us and asked ‘Enna aachu?’ (English subtitle: What happened? ) With same emotionless tone, ‘Therila’ (English subtitle: Don’t know). I expected him to do a kamal but instead, he said ‘Oh okay okay’ Like he understood the problem, rubbed his belly and went in. After 15 min, same lungi dance guy came out of his house ‘Enna aachu? Innum seri agalaya?’ (English subtitle: What happened? Is it still not okay? ) We, little pissed, ‘Theriyadhu’. With same peppy tone and an additional burp to signify that he had his dinner, he replied, ‘Oh okay okay’ and went in, rubbing his belly.

Finally, another bus arrived. The driver looked at us and asked, ‘Ennachu?’ (subtitle: refer above) Usssss Habbbaaa …Like the ‘nadula konjam pakkatha kannum’ (people who don’t know this reference, can omit it. It is anyway not significant  ),we narrated the entire story . Somehow he gave us lift with terms and conditions . As soon as I reached home, my mom asked the one-million-dollar-question, ‘Ennachu?’. *insert-whatever-bgm-you-want*

Taata Frittata

Namasthe
Bonjour!
Hola!
Konichiwa!

No no…You haven’t opened google translate. This is the same blogspace with the same wonderful (ahem ahem) blogger. Whenever there is a chance to pick up new words in new languages, I will grab the opportunity. I have the habit of scene potifying (definition as per madras dictionary: the act of showing off unnecessarily which is irrelevant to the current situation…It is usually accompanied by an adjective vetti). Whenever I learn a new word, I will find (or create) context to use it  Like I’ll go to my mom and tell ‘Tengo hambre’ (I’m hungry) or ping people by noon/evening just to greet ‘Buenas Tardes’ just for the sake of it. I have this spanish app…yeah similar to our learn tamil in 30 days book  There are exercises that require you to repeat with absolutely correct pronunciation before it is marked as complete. Usually, I will be using this app with my headphones plugged but on a lazy sunday afternoon, I decided to do it with the speaker on. Mistake! It was more like ‘ek gaon mein ek kissan raghu thaatha’ episode. The app kept repeating‘rehta tha’ and I was continuously telling ‘raghu thaatha’  My mom could stand no more and stormed into the room from kitchen and yelled, ‘Why are you troubling so much…Can’t you listen properly and repeat… How may times do you want to be taught the same thing? Completely zero concentration’. I was at first shocked whether I had time traveled and gone back 16 years…Before I could open my mouth in defense, she added the killer blow, ‘Look at me…It is ‘rehta tha’ and not ‘raghu thaatha’…her immaculately accurate pronunciation made the app tell, ‘Well done! Correct’  That was the last day I opened the app at home  ‘. ‘Learn Spanish in 30 days’ was replaced by ‘Learn Japanese in 30 days’ immediately. This time no app…I was contented withkonichiwa and ohayo gozaimasu that my friend in Japan was teaching me  The word that I had learnt the previous day was ‘O yasumi nasai’ (good night…I know it sounds like nasama po in tamil  ) The next day as usual to scene potufy, I told one of my friends, ‘I learnt japanese equivalent for good night’. She was curious and asked me for the word…The moment she asked, the word evaporated from my head. I didn’t want to do a ‘Raghu thaatha’ again…In the heat of the moment, I shouted ‘Buenas noches’  *monkeyclosedeyes* She said nice and left the place…Hopefully she doesn’t use it with any Japanese friends 

My friend left to Argentina as a part of near-shore team. We were the ones who started learning Spanish together few years back. Spanish being mandatory in Argentina, there is a scope for me now to learn the colloquial words as well  I know I very well get your mind voice…No no bad words! I had made this for her. Left pic is the front side and right pic is the back side. This has flown to Buenas Aires 

I was watching a chef prepare Frittata while finishing up my curd rice and aavakai pickle. That was when the thought struck me , ‘You might be a periya frittata in Italy but when you step into ente keralam, it will be taata bye bye to you’…Thanks to 14.5% fat tax *no tomatoes please* Well, if you ask who eats frittata in kerala, all I can say is ‘pazhamozhi sonna anubavikanum aarayakudadhu’ (Translation English: A proverb should be experienced and not examined) (Translation Spanish/Japanese/Chinese/…other 40+ google translate languages:  Forget it ) 

When in Madras aka Chennai

I know it's a bit too late for the Madras day post but I just couldn't say no to the friend who said , "Hey I have been waiting for the Madras Day post that you promised. I'm everyday refreshing the blog to check whether I have missed the notification... Please write that post soon". Ok Ok... Do not raise your eyebrows! Everything about the above statement is true except that the friend mentioned is an imaginary friend and the dialogue...well, I can be a script-writer you see 

Now that we have established that the post is going to be a Madras day post, what can be told is the next topic to ponder about? I have already talked about growing up in Chennai...It's the same post that feels like you have landed by mistake in a psychiatric counselling where the doctor gave the lead saying 'You are now 5 years old... Tell me what do you see' and thus, this post happened! December rains! Whoa... It was raining posts even after the rain got tired and bid bye.  Appreciations were pouring in from all parts of the world. It felt like a Vikraman movie where all turn out to be good people and you have only happy tears at the end. Oh yeah, add the BGMs!

So today let's focus on the non-Chennaities for a change. This Madras day post (yeah...it is Madras Day till I post this) is dedicated to the folks who pile up at CMBT/Central/Egmore stations at the start of long weekends. I thought of starting the post saying 'When in Madras, do as the Machans do' then it might be misinterpreted as a Namitha centric post. So I immediately crossed that idea off.

So here are few simple tips that can make you blend in with the Chennai makkal (people).

Oh Mahaziya! Nakku Mukku Nakka, Oh shakalaka...Oh Randakka!

Yes! Stop doing that! Exactly what you are doing now after reading the heading. Do not ask for subtitles/ translations. That's the first and foremost tip. The moment you ask for subtitles, you become the white sheep in a herd of black sheep. I accept, we have this habit of quoting dialogues or references from movies...Yeah, trust me! We are movie buffs and everyone can get that spark in a jiffy and can end up telling dialogues applicable to the current situation. So at times, it is good to be Joey! Just nod along. Laugh when they do and go 'Ooooh' when they do. You will start playing this game well if you had played 'Simon says' game in your school.  After a while you will master the act of reacting correctly and who knows you may even throw one or right words on your own with practice.

 Anna-tha adararu othikko othikko

Bhaiyyas from the north become the Anna-s at Chennai. Autorickshaw drivers, cab drivers, bus drivers/conductors, shopkeepers, predominantly everyone whom you will refer to as Bhaiyya can be called Anna here. Our people have grown up watching movies like pasamalar ,en thangai kalyani... So they are the pasakara pasanga (affectionate lot) and the word anna can melt them and wipe their eyes... Okay! Enough exaggeration! Let's be honest! When you use 'anna' you can get a polite reply instead of a rude denial. Like the scene below

Sans 'Anna'
Customer: "Besant Nagar poganum. Auto varuma?" (poganum- should go, varuma- will it come?)
Auto driver: Varadhu Varadhu *without even looking up* (Denies rudely)

Same scene with 'anna'
Customer: Anna... Besant nagar poganum? Auto varuma 'na?
Autodriver: Illa ma.. Savari kaga waiting la irukku... Neenga venumna andha vandi la pongalen (instructs his friend's auto to take up the request)

Additional tip: When you are in auto, act like you know the city. Always ask 'Anna.. endha route la poga porenga?' (Which route are you planning to take?) You may have no clue about it, but still keep a straight face and ask 'One-way illaya 'na?' Almost all important routes will have some road marked as one-way...So the auto driver will explain in detail about how he is going to take you to your destination. You may think he is abusing you, but those are just places and road names in Chennai. Don't panic! Keep calm and open google map!

 Machi Machi...Too much-u

I know you have this whole idea of getting the lingo right to blend in but too much usage is gonna make you stand out. Rule: You should not start EVERY sentence with Machan and end it with Machan. It's a big NO...  Just sprinkle the words, Machans and Mamas in your conversation like salt and pepper on soup. Start your conversation with Machan but make sure that you don't use at least for the next 15 minutes.

 Danga maari oodhari Puttukuna Nee Naari

Remember to know few words in the local dialect. If there is a moment when you want to say 'Superb', replace it with 'Geth-u'. Save this *post- promotion-time*. Read it once before breakfast , once after lunch and once before dinner for 2 weeks. People around you would go 'Ada' on hearing it but be careful...wrong usage may change it to 'Cha'.

 Kaapi Kaapi mere dil mein

At restaurant,

You: Anna...1 Plate Dosa
Waiter: *brings the roasted dosa and places it in front and waits for you*
You: Anna...Can I have a spoon or a fork for dosa?
Entire hotel: Blasphemy!

Ok Mama...Now Scene change-u... Ready 1...2...3

You: Anna...1 Plate Dosa
Waiter: *brings the roasted dosa and places it in front and waits for you*
You: Anna...
Waiter: *expects the blasphemous act*
You: Anna... Can I get an extra Sambhar?
Entire hotel: Adichanda kadasi ball-ah sixer-u!

You are not actually done till you order a filter kaapi. Ordering filter kaapi, in other words, is like asking them for the bill. It will be declared as 'The End' to your meal. When you order the famous kaapi, remember to make a specification like 'Anna... extra decoction' or 'Anna... extra sugar'... 'Anna...extra milk'. Oh yeah! I almost forgot the 'fractional concepts'. It is called the 'Nee paadhi naan paadhi kanne' (You half, me half...kanne is ignored as literal translation is ridiculous) We love fractions when in restaurants. It's more like reiterating 'Teacher solli tharala...Shariiiiiing'. So we always say,  'Anna...tomato soup 2 by 3'... 'Anna... Coffee 1 by 2'. Sometimes an empty glass will be brought. So we'll have to do the divisions , multiplications, subtractions and additions before drinking it.

 Madras-a sutthi paaka poren

Once you follow all instructions as above, there are high chances that you may be mistaken as a localite. You may be asked suggestions about places. Revise the names of famous locations in Chennai.

Additional tip: When someone asks you for a suggestion to buy something... It is like a litmus test. If you say 'Phoenix mall'..Gone! Antthe! Kattham! Poyindhi! Your mask will fall out and you will become a foreigner suddenly. Pondy Bazaar/ T Nagar Ranganathan street is the ultimate shopping solution to any shopping related query. When it is electronic items, direct them to 'Ritchie Street'. You should confidently say 'Hey go to T Nagar! You will get it easily!' You want extra points, then add this suggestion 'He might quote a higher price initially. Don't pay immediately. Bargain and get it.'

That's it! You will hear the song in the background 'Paccha Yellow Pink Thamizhan Naan... Namma thaaikkulathukku naan thaan chellappilla' You can turn and make a Baasha-walk with colour bombs bursting behind you.

Ah! You can thank me later or even transfer money to my account as a token of your thanks for the free Madras class  

Know the lingo Mamu

Whenever we use certain famous tamil comments, people (non-tamil speaking folks) don’t get the sarcasm and go “Errr…What?” We end up killing the frog for them and at the end forget why did we do it *meh moment* So as a responsible Chennai ponnu, I thought let me just once and for all kill the frog here…in my blogpost rather than doing it every single time we use. So non-tamil speaking folks, save this post for future reference…This can be your life saver…I mean frog’s life and your conversation saver 

Note: Before you start using these words, practice with the right modulation as that’s the most important aspect for these words :P

-> Vada Poche
Literal meaning: Disappearance of a deep fried ring-shaped Indian dish made from ground pulses.
Implied meaning: When you are this close to something but miss it at the last moment.
Example of usage: You get a call from your friend saying he has somehow arranged 2 tickets for first day evening show of Rajini movie…you are super excited, brag about it to all, draft a mail about leaving early and you get a video conference meeting invite for 7 pm. Your mindvoice “Vada Poche”.
Alternatives: Vada gone, big Vada *gone in action*

->Enna ma ipdi panrengale ma (expression, modulation, action-mandatory)
Literal meaning (Close one.. better suggestions are welcome): Why will you be doing this?
Implied meaning: When something/someone irritates you but still you are in a position of not showing it out. Then you use this dialogue to show it out diplomatically without hurting the other person.
Example of usage: After the “vada poche” moment, you go and sit in the conference room and your manager sits beside you. He/She asks you to help her with the presentation as asked by the client during the conference. Now you can very well tell “Enna ma ipdi panrengale ma”.

-> Enna kalaaichitarama (modulation and sarcastic smirk- mandatory)
Literal meaning: Huh…Managed to pull my leg is it? (Ewwww…It’s horrible…Forget the translation :P )
Implied meaning: Almost the same as the literal one. When somebody passes a sarcatic comment, you are desparately in need of a counter to get back but don’t find one. Then you use this term to fill in the gap on behalf of a counter and still keep up your pride in tact  :P
Example of usage: You are sitting in the conference room after the above two scenes and your colleague (remember the victims of your bragging during scene 1…one of those) asks you in a sarcastic tone, “Dude…Are you enjoying the Rajini film?” *giggles* You are absolutely offended as intended but still don’t want to give it away…You turn to another colleague (hopefully not one of the victims) and say ‘Enna kalaaichitarama’ with a smirk.

-> Aaniye pudunga venam (modulation- mandatory)
Literal meaning: Don’t pluck out the nails  :P  (Eeeeeks )
Implied meaning: You’ve given an opinion/assigned a task, in return, you are bombarded with 1000s of questions…Now you can say ‘Aaniye pudunga venam’.
Examples of usage: Your friend and you go to the cafetaria for dinner after the conference (Remember?You were asked to help with the presentation after conference) You tell your friend you want to eat at Subway..
Friend: Sub or salad?
You: Sub
Friend: Veg/Non veg?
You : Veg
Friend: Trying any combo?
You: I guess no
Friend: Planning to add cheese? I never do
You: Err.. I might
Friend: Coke?
You : Aaniye pudunga venam…I’ll eat kaldosa combo in HSB itself !

-> Ahaan (modulation and sarcasm- mandatory)
Literal meaning: Yet to be deciphered
Implied meaning: Used at times when you want to agree sarcastically..Well , refer the usage section for more details :P
Examples of usage: You stay back to work on the presentation as asked by the client… After you are done (close to midnight), management team asks for a preview. After you run through all the slides and ask for comments, one person from the crowd remarks “I think the background colour is dull…It doesn’t give life to your presentation… May be we should change that? *looks around to get approval nods from others* Now you can very well tell Aahaan looking at him(loudly/mindvoice- Your wish….you are solely responsible for the after effects)… In this case ‘enna ma ipdi panrengale ma’ will also be apt :P

Freebies:We all love freebies.. Don’t ask me who paid for the above post ;) So here are few additional terms that you may be needing help with
-> Scene podadha- Don’t show off
-> Sema mokkai- (Literal translation- very blunt :P )- PJ
-> Thambi..Tea innum varla- (Literal translation- Brother…Tea didn’t arrive yet :P )- You haven’t answered my question/Come to the point without beating around
-> Geth-u/mass-u – similar to Coool/Whatte work dude
-> Machaan/Mama- Dude/Bro

Talking about Machaan, heard that Namitha will be entering politics soon :P
All those who went Ahaan after reading this statement…Well done! You have cleared the lingo test mamu ! Others, please read it again :P

PS: These interpretations are subjected to change depending on the individual/friends’ group. So the owner of this post is not responsible for any such variations that could be reported after you use. :P

Shifting Chronicles

Mom- “Aishu *shrieking yell*…Why are you unpacking boxes that I have already packed?”
Me- I just wanted to see what’s there in this …I have got a new marker to label…so I want to relabel the boxes
Mom- *monkeyclosedeyes*

This was the teaser to start my shifting chronicles…That was pretty much how it was When almost everything was packed , my mom would ask ‘where did you put the glass items? I asked you to keep it aside’ with that cold stare which clearly conveyed that she had the answer to it(unna vechikitu oru kolai kuda panna mudiyadhu stare) . Thanks to my amazing memory, I had to stare sheepishly at all boxes hoping against hope to find the correct box in the first attempt itself. Like in game shows, where you will be asked to pick any box and be awarded accordingly. The same happened here but with a slight difference. With every wrong box opened, my mom kept complimenting my alertness and astounding memory power *clears throat*

Being this responsible daughter, I was ready to donate my precious weekend in the name of house. But as they say, good work never receive appreciation *sighs* I was never allowed near cupboard or any table with runners. I was always allocated tasks of stacking newspapers and calling the paper mart guy to pick it, throwing out empty dabbas etc…basically total waste work! I was initially naive and didn’t shout Natamai…theerpa maathi sollu(change the decision  ) as I didn’t understand the real intention of keeping me away from actual packing. My dad, as always, without knowing the conspiracy called me in to help him discard few old stuffs…Immediately an old water gun caught my attention and I asked ‘Idhu work aaguma?’ Before I got the answer, I rushed to fill water and test the product  ‘This is why I told you to not call her when you are cleaning the shelves’ was the comment I heard unveiling the actual reason behind the task allocation! But still that puppyface always works with my dad and he readily swapped his task with mine  I found so many greeting cards which I read line by line all over again before putting them back safely  An autograph book with ‘Favourite color, favourite food’ of almost anyone who visited my house, a scrapbook, my first toys which are absolutely in perfect working condition, a box with friendship bands and gifts and also this…Look what I found 

Kane- Height 7′
Rock- Rank 1
Big Show- 500 pounds

This occupied all my holidays  I used to sit hours together playing this , analysing and finding the best stats to unleash the lethal weapon on your opponents  I was looking through my autograph book and the rough note where my 5th class classmates had signed as the guys were moving to Boys’ school from the following year. I had shared the snaps with few of them with whom I’m still in contact…it was total fun 

So finally all segregation was done and the packers were called. I was now involved in people management  Yeah I take up all different roles as per my team’s need  When I was helping one packer-anna (I forgot to ask his name) to pack my dresses, I noticed a Rajini pendent and his name tattooed in his wrist. That that that! How can I notice and be without talking about it… I immediately enquired whether he watched Kabali teaser and it was a perfect conversation starter. We started chatting about scenes from earlier movies and so on. Only after everything was done and boxes were shifted, I realised that I was asked to keep 5 sets of dresses separately for the week… Completely disappeared from my mind ! When it did reappear, it was too late! I had no clue as to where to search and how many dabbas to open… No *inky pinky ponky* or *Oh God! pls tell me* would work now… It was close to midnight and knowing the consequences, I didn’t announce this prod incident at home and tried ways to mitigate it. Thankfully, I found a bag with freshly pressed clothes that I had just collected from dry-clean …It was my Kadavul irukkan kumaru moment 

So all set, I was about to rest my sore back and legs for a good sleep. After listening to my shifting saga, this friend of mine casually remarked with a smirk to not look below the cot as it is a new place and no one knows what/who will be there, waiting to be found ! It was awarded with an immediate power cut and fluctuation as a response  *boom* I bid bye to my sleep *monkeyclosedeyes*