Tadaa

These days I feel so embarrassed when someone introduces me as a blogger... Yeah! Though I smile and go, "Well, yeah!  I enjoy blogging." The inner-me yells, "Liar! Liar! Your pants on fire! Use past tense, you liar!" So I thought of giving a glimpse of something/anything/nothing just to say "Tadaaa....I'm here" and then disappear again (by slipping the ring on my finger -show off) :P (Just Kidding)

The ring reminds me that I lost my ring. The ring that I have been wearing from my college is lost...poyindhi...it's gone...poye pochu... Actually, I had an intuition (does that sound creepy?) while I was washing my coffee mug that I should probably consider removing my rings (I wear 4 of them) as they have become very loose. The next day when I returned home from work, it was gone! I went around searching, 'My Precioussss...My preciousss' but no, it was gone! I thought of even sticking a kaana villai notice and also suitable rewards (1 filter coffee+ 2 milkbikis) for anyone who finds my precioussss... But then dropped the idea since no one was ready to print the notice for free :|

Hey, it's not just me..everyone wants free items. With Thanksgiving just done, I realized people liked the free 'mokkai' products better than the ones they pay for. So there was this information that JC Penny (=Pothys) is giving out scratch cards for first 250 ppl that can have $10-$500 in it. Obviously almost all got $10 but still, the queue was almost equivalent to our Tirupathi queue. Doorbusters are even funnier to watch. Doorbusters are nothing but products that will be given at utmost cheap price when the shop opens (2pm- midnight). You'll have ppl standing in the queue for hours like our nursery school admissions. Everyone will have a strategy, yes it is like a war... Dad will instruct his 2 sons to attack from the other 2 entrances and mom will be the spokesperson who will just then find namesake friends and will cut the line to join in the front. So with all this strategy in place, as soon as the doors open, a huge crowd will rush in and pick up things(literally). Each one will have big big dabbas on his shoulder and will be looking for the others...This can definitely be mistaken for some chit-fund company that cheated hundreds and is now ransacked by the public. I thought of taking a video but as soon as the door opened, someone knocked my elbow and there I went diving to save my nexus for the most stunning and safe catch of the year 2017

There is a show called "Konjam Nadinga boss" that cracks me up everytime to see how people deliver the dialogues. The moment I think about yours truly in that shoes...mouth-zipped! I'm terrible at delivering a prepared dialogue. I will start laughing the moment you say start. This is the reason I haven't done even a single Dubsmash video till date. Also for always starring in plays in a role that has no dialogues... A scientist who is just mixing liquids or a deer that jumps around or a sick child who keeps lying in a comfortable bed throughout the play...These are few of my acting experiences. Ask me to speak extempore or host a show, I can do it without the slightest doubt. But delivering dialogues with expressions, never my cup of tea(coffee, in my case :P ). So now having known about my history, geography, physics, let us jump into the story. I was given the information that I'll be featuring in client's year-ending video that'll showcase about my project. I could hear my alter-ego becoming vadivelu and ROFL-ing ,  'Adei Sonamuttha...Pochhaaa'. Well, I somehow managed to deliver it (I think good from the feedback I got). It felt very special to see yourself on a big screen. I was sitting beside a customer-facing person who looked at the screen, then looked at me and asked, 'Is that you?Whoa!' . I turned pink, for sure as I felt my cheeks burning cos of the attention that I was constantly getting...One-day star like one-day CM!

I got this new laptop and I got into testing new all features out of habit. I found bluetooth option was missing. I tried debugging by myself, then resorted to the usual-solution, clear everything, restart. When nothing worked, I pinged the customer care guy. It was my time 11.00 pm. So this guy, after the pleasantries, looked into it and calmly said 'Sorry ma'am! Your laptop doesn't have bluetooth feature. However you can buy one.' I was shocked! How can it not have bluetooth. He woke the QA in me and there was no looking back. I got the specs from the brand's site , marked the bluetooth 4.0 feature in red (Requirement document you see) , attached the complaint and now logged a defect again. Well, it was resolved, of course! It was my QA dawwww moment :P

We had our first snow of the season yesterday…Winter is here! *deep hoarse voice*

Travel Treaty

This is for an internal blogging contest under the theme friendship.

'Har Ek Friend zaroori hotha hai' is a tagline whereas 'Paaysam sapdunga , Friend' is an emotion. So brace yourself, for this is going to be an emotional post about all the friends who have offered paaysam (kheer) to me. There can be many categories of friends:- School friends, college friends, lunch friends, office friends, saadha-Friends, special-saadha-friends etc. In that, a very special and mostly less-focussed category is travel-friends. The ones who are strangers at 8.31 pm when the train starts, will all of a sudden at 9.31pm say 'Paaysam sapdunga friend' and would benevolently offer his food. After eating, at 11 pm whether you are lying unconsciously with no signs of bags or boasting to him about how you managed to get that extra Rs 2000 during demonetization would be the climax of the story(we can cover that in part 2 if I write). So what are we going to talk about? (1 mark question ).

Assuming that you have all gained that 1 mark, (If not read the first para again as imposition) let me deep dive into the topic. We people are wired as talkative. How on earth can we sit quietly for hours? As soon as we enter the train (ignore the checking who is sitting next to you part and getting disappointed that all are senior citizens around you), we mark our areas by filling in bags in all empty space and waiting like you own not just the compartment but the entire train...As soon as people arrive, you judge how friendly are they by first sight. The second step is passing a smile. Meanwhile, if they are asking you to take your bags, dismissed. No second step, no friendly treaties will be signed at least for a while. So based on their reply smile, we’ll decide to be a conversation starter or main course or dessert (main course- listening, dessert- taking out your air-pillow and claiming your be(i)rth right). Whoever decides to be a conversation starter, this will be the question… “ So… Going to <last stop name>?”. Then you know where it goes. If I write the entire conversation, I will be asking for additional sheets. So if we fast fwd the convo... ‘last stop...work...climate...work...TN politics...national politics… international politics….I have got puliogare and curd rice. Will you share?’ This, in travel terms, is equivalent to ‘Will you be my friend forever (read as 8hrs/Nhrs)’! Irrespective of whether to reply is ‘No no...I have brought chappathi’ or ‘Sure… Give me little to taste...Tiger is my favourite animal...That’s why *sheepish/tigerish smile*’, the strangers become close. The bond is so strong (without fevicol dabba on top ) that TTR will assume all are from the same family. If there are two families in the compartment you’ll have various topics going on. Males will be busy recreating The Hindu, TOI, NDTV, Times Now etc. Women will also be busy, ‘I was asking him to book train after 10 pm. I could have at least seen who is eliminated this week from bigg boss.’ Aunty2: ‘Don’t worry. I’ve asked my friend to text me. I’ll update you immediately. Do you think Oviya will be back?’ The kids will be busy with their virtual humans in their virtual world.
When you are single and you are sharing a compartment with family (elder couple), it is an altogether a different experience. They would try hard to be in your good books and try to make you comfortable. One such experience is as follows (be glad that out of habit I didn’t say PFB the scenario. PFA the picture. Please let me know in case of questions).

I was returning in a day train from my friend’s engagement (I think so!) and had 8 hrs to kill. Elderly couple directly went to step 2 of passing a broad smile as I didn’t have any luggage...just a backpack! As the train started, again, uncle smiled...Aunty smiled...I smiled! Then I looked out of the window, staring at everything that’s moving away from us. Here, they were the conversation starters
Uncle *again smile session repeat* - Meeru telugu-ah?
Me- No uncle… Tamil! *1st ball- bowled* I starred outside again at the nothing in particular
Aunty*covering up*- We are in Chennai for the past 2 years. Nobody believes that we are from Andhra-andi’ *laughs*
Me- Cool! Totally shows! *suppressing all the sarcastic comments I get at that comment*
Aunty- “So do you study or work?”
Me- “Just joined work”

Few regular questions whether you know this guy’s son’s neighbor’s cousin who works in the same company
Then uncle started showing off in front of Aunty about his IT knowledge. Within few hours they started consulting me about all their phone problems. I felt like Tim Cook unveiling iPhone X with the amazement and eagerness with which I was looked upon when I downloaded an app to fix their phone-slowdown issue. (chinna fix but beddha build up ..errr I didn’t take a dig at iPhone :P ) In recognition of my good work, I was offered thattai, murukku and seedai (which I declined cos I didn’t want to lose my backpack..But on second thoughts whether it is seedai or backpack...I chose the obvious...Seedai...duh). Now that we have officially signed the friendship treaty of travel, they started enquiring about the reason for travel, how alone, why alone, will anyone come station to pick up..for every correct answer I got a murukku. I had to excuse myself for some urgent reasons (water...murukku...water...more water) and when I came back there was a mini-war happening. TTR was on his way to my compartment. I followed him, anticipating a missing backpack and elderly couple. To my surprise, uncle was talking animatedly to few men…’No no no...You cannot do this’. As soon as TTR and I entered, he looked at us and said, ‘Sir! Good, you came. These people got in here instead of the unreserved compartment and started claiming the seats in our compartment ( the area has been marked dude!) Our girl  (pointing towards me) is sitting here. This is unacceptable!’ Soon the crowd was dispersed, uncle sat at the corner like guarding the entire compartment while the aunty was offering me more murukku. *laaalaaa...laaaalaa...any bgm*

Not just in the train, recently I was traveling to San Jose and my flight was delayed due to bad weather. The flight that was to leave by 5.30 p.m. finally left by 9pm . So during the wait time, I was just scrolling through my FB newsfeed without paying much attention to what am I reading. That’s when I heard a clearing of throat beside me...There was this middle-aged lady sitting beside. I saw her a few minutes back in 2 rows front of me. She was trying step 2 (smiling). Now she sat beside me, ready to keep herself occupied for next few hours. *Smile session repeat* Going to San Jose? (I wanted to say ...No..bought ticket to jump in the sea on the way but held back...Hunger-cranky-me). ‘Yes!’ followed by a brief smile. She continued.’ I’m also going there. My daughter is there. She is here for 5 years. How long have you been here.’ Me- ‘7 months’. She- ‘Ohh! You are new to the US. *welcome to US speech* followed by *tips and tricks to survive* followed by *Venkatesh Bhatt cooking recipes* . Then she formally started the inquiry session. After a while, again, excused myself, this time just to escape. It is only when I leave, people will gather to create excitement in the air...when I returned, as usual, there was a gathering. I realized snacks and drinks are provided. Hence, the long queue. I went and stood in the mini Tirupathi queue sans the jarugandhi person, for my turn to arrive. That’s when I saw Lord Balaji’s wife waving at me with prasad(That lady’s name was Lakshmi...you get the connection right? No bad words). I went to her like Kamal in partha vizhi partha padi poothu irukka (Video link here- Watch after work hrs.Can’t be blamed for productivity loss :P) Just imagine me as Kamal and that lady as Abirami in video. Instead of 2 ladoos, she gave me snacks and water bottle :P Now I have signed the international-travel-friendship treaty. There was no looking back! Soon, history, geography, civics, everything was discussed in length.

Travel friendship reminds me of Anbe Sivam. A film starring Kamal and Madhavan who get introduced during travel and the story evolves from there about their travel to the destination. One of my most favourite movies. It captures the journey very aptly, bring out the initial apprehension while meeting a weird stranger, that nallavana-ketavana dilema, random act of kindness and finally a bond forever! Recommended watch (if you haven’t till now) for sure!

You may ask me why am I posting zentangle of auto while I spoke about train and flight. The explanation is simple...I have this pic which denotes a means of transport= travel..So I will use it :P

Moral of the story...errr...non-story
You may have chapters about people who play an important role but there are also few pages about such random people with such random memories in your book called life ;)

[55F]~ My Dreams on Fire!

This is for an internal blogging contest

Theme: Dream

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She heard his boisterous voice about his daughter amidst tadka.
'My daughter does horse-riding, kathak dancing, karate and is also a class topper.'
She smirked, making perfect rotis.
She is now used to being invisible till they wanted an extra roti.
She laid her eyes on her daughter's anklets,  'I too had a dream!'

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[55F]~ Lost Identity!

This is for an internal blogging contest.


Sitting by the window, she sighed at the busy beauty salon outside.
A mom was feeding her kid, pointing towards her, threatening about child-eating-monster.
'Monster' has become her new identity.
'Girl survives acid attack'- news blared in the background.
'Another monster is born!' she thought, closing her window and hope to outside world.

[55F]- A piece of marvel

I was lying there, reminiscing about our first kiss. How can she throw me out of her life? I felt lost, broken and crushed. My vision blurred, I knew my end was near!
I woke up to applause, flashing lights and curious eyes. Today, I'm a piece of marvel; I'm Ironman- an art from waste.

Mere Pass Ma Hai

This was written for an internal blogging contest-

Topic- Woman of my life!

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I was pondering over the topics given and that's when my phone blinked with 'Amma calling' (No...This is not a horror story...No ghosts. It is my mom from Chennai). So I picked up the call and did the customary 'Hmmmm....Hmmmm...okay' with my brain still preoccupied with what to write. "Already written a post about grandma with 1000 violins playing in the background for the previous contest... May be I should write about random women like cab drivers, roadside vendors or even better, watch some videos online from the foundation that helps old and poor people on road and get inspired to recreate the sentiment with 1000*1000 violins in the background...Nah! What if it becomes a blooper and I hear 1000*1000 chorus laughter instead!Enakku illa enakku illa...Blogger extraordinaire title enakku illa!" All of a sudden, I heard a voice,"Main hoon na...Write about me!" That's when I realised hiyyoo mindvoice nu nenachi satthama pesitoma (I just increased the volume of my mind voice and announced it with my inbuilt mic). My mom continued- "Write about how good I am ... How much your mom has done..etc etc...Listen to all Amma sentiment songs so that you'll get into that feel". I had a one-eyebrow-raised expression. Until then, I didn't have the slightest idea to write and this line inspired me- "Remember this, I will not spare you if you tease or write anything bad about me". :P Challenge Accepted! *Ross-quiz-master tone*

I'm sure you'll remember the epic scene of 'Mere Pass ma hai". So if someone who is being trolled ruthlessly online comes to me and says 'Mere pass memes hain, trolls hain, stand-up comedians hain...tere pass kya hai?' I would wipe my tears and respond - 'Mere Pass Ma Hai'! Yes! Her full-time job is to troll me royally and part time job is being my mom (occasionally). If you assign everyone a Game of Thrones character, my mom is definitely Olenna Tyrell , at least when I'm at the receiving end. She has an answer to everything..EVERYTHING  that I ask or tell.

So a few days back, I was giving her a detailed explanation of 'Depression'. I was explaining her the medical reasons, symptoms and how the close circle should look out. My idea was to spread awareness (Nah! To show off that I read an article). She heard everything for 20 minutes and then replies, 'Go eat... You are hungry!'. I was literally the personification of Skype's open-mouth smiley. I was almost patting my back that I made my mom understand what a depression is and she disregards the entire stuff with just one line- "Go eat...You are hungry". According to my mom root-cause to all problems in the world is my hunger. India-Pakistan war- Aishu, go eat! A man was murdered in his house- Aishu, you are hungry! Aliens attack- Aishu, you get cranky when you are hungry.  I didn't give up, I'm the Bethal of Vikramaditya ...So I prolonged (*my bad*), 'Amma...I'm telling you something so important and you didn't even bother to listen. She- "Yeah I heard! Only when you are hungry, you tend to talk like this." Me continuing the drama-" This why people get into depression. You are ignorant! If tomorrow I get into depression , you won't be able to identify." *killer-blow* After a 2-second pause -"There is another fact..'People who cause depression will not be affected by it. You are very safe!" *savage*
My mom has never been the lovey-dovey...Oh! My poor Baby- kind. If I get hurt, bruised my knee... I'll be asked to wash my leg and play again while I used to see moms fuss when there is even a slight cut. When she used to walk me back from school (Primary), I would be carrying my 100kg heavy bag and 100g heavy lunch back while other parents used to immediately grab the bag..This special treatment was only with me... When she had to pick up some otehr kid along with me , she used to pick up the bags or even carry the kid and walk home... I would be walking home, carrying the extra 50g of lunch-bag of that random kid and would be giving a sad look to thenpandi cheemayile therodum veedhiyile ...maan pola vandhavalai yaar adicharo (sad song) song sung by every passerby seeing my pathetic-state *Atleast 2 violins in this scene please* Going by the cold treatment I got from my mom, I was having this doubt that I might have been adopted :P So I decided to confront the truth (* again bad idea*) and asked my mom, 'Am I adopted? Tell the truth... Did you get me from dustbin *dramaqueen in me*?' Thought I added enough sentiment to the scene and was having two kinds of ending planned to this scene in my head

Option A- "How can you utter such words? You are the apple of our eyes...I had undergone so much pain to get you to this world and you *sob* *sob* - Scene...Rejected! May be it would have been a very sentimental scene in movie but this can never be my mom's reply

Option B- "What did you do today? Threw the food I packed or Did you get your Maths paper? You'll create a scene just to cover up - Possibilities are high...My mom can link up everything and can keep me in the accused cell forever.

But the scene had a very different ending

Actual reply- "I don't think I would be dumb enough to get you. Who will get into trouble knowing it is a trouble!" *cuts apple and dumps in my mouth to symbolically show that you are stumped and speechless* 'You are adopted!' would have sounded more soothing to my wounded heart at that moment.

One more final incident to make my heart lighter and then I'll let the curtains fall. This happened very recently ( 2 hrs back from when I started this post)...One of my friend along with her daughters has visted Rajini and put up the pic in FB. I told it to my mom and asked - "You never took me to meet Rajini. Look at her, just cos her kids wanted, she arranged it somehow." My mom's reply- "Why will we arrange? You yourself act like a celebrity at home. You'll keep your legs on the table, lie on couch and order everyone around to get things done for you... So we always have a feeling that we are all maids to a celebrity and we never get a feel of meeting any new one!" *pointing towards me- onakku idhu thevaya *(Sub: Why did you have to ask her?)

There is still lots more to tell about the woman in my life but can't go on writing Part 1...Part N... I'm glad that I'm able to share my sad state with you, good-hearted readers. After reading this, if any of you have an idea of adopting me, please don't speak to my mom, she'll talk you out of it.

@mom- Did you also believe everything I told above?... Haiyyyyo Haiyyyyoo....April fool...Cha...Belated April fool! All I meant was 'My mommmmmyy is the besssssssttttt mommmmy in the whole world'...Let me dedicate the below drawing to you....Smile Pleeeej :P *usss habba* *wipes sweat on the forehead*

I see you!

"Subject is here!Over"

"Subject has crossed me. Officer 3, she is heading in your direction. Over"

"Now I see her!Over"

So what do you imagine? 2 or 3 undercover officers standing in public at different streets and tracking down a criminal. Right? I hear your mindvoice: Jujubi! Etthana undercover operations paathurkom (Subtitles: @#$$%! How many undercover operations have I watched! *eeew...lost in translation#1*) Now, a small twist in the story. The guys whom you've imagined with Rayban glasses and gym body should be replaced into 4-legged-bodies with a fancy collar around the neck. You know who is the subject now. Of course, it's yours truly! I strongly believe this is the scenario in Dog's cop world right now. I'm a wanted criminal who is being hunted for from all over the world by the dog-cops. They always pass signals to the ones in other roads, so that the other one is ready with a snarl and stare to warn me, "You are being watched!"

As soon as I travelled out of India, I felt like the Vijay Mallaya of Dog-world and felt I'm done once and for all with them...I even did a devil-villain laugh followed by a victory dance in flight (mostly caused due to turbulence and I was trying to get to the washroom...the same scenario of balancing in 102 bus and passing the ticket). But no, I was wrong ! News travelled faster than my Etihad flight and I had their international counterparts geared up to receive me here.

As soon as I reached here, I was shown an apartment close to the pool when I was hunting for an apartment. I happily agreed and went back home to get back with my documents the next day. Little did I know that there was a trap waiting for me next day. The apartment that I had checked te previous day had already been leased out before it was shown to me. I was taken to another apartment which was the replica of hat I say, the only clause being it is next to a dog park.  Yes! Dogs have a park ...the place where they get trained to gang up against me. Every time I walk down, I'll see few of them running, jumping and training themselves exactly like the human cops training area *monkeyclosedeyes* 

As soon as I step out of my house, I'll hear barks from somewhere or the other. Once the bark was too loud iving me a feel that there is a huge one on its way to attack.When my mind ponders in Vadivelu's tone, 'Enna audio mattum varudhu, video va kaanum.', I see a tiny one who can easily be mistaken as a cutie-pie be the cause of producing barks with such high decibels. Even though I was eager to see if they have dubbing artists like we do , I stepped away giving it the undeserved right of way.

My roommate and I had gone for a late evening stroll and were chatting away as we ascended the flight of stairs that lead to my apartment. I saw the villain....errr may be villain's heroine (she could be the revolver Rita of her gang) waiting outside my apartment. I was taken aback by the surprise attack and rushed 2 steps down , only to increase the wrath of Ms/Mrs Revolver Rita. She came rushing towards me. She kept starring with low growls... I kept starring with lup-dup sound (my heart beat had quadrupled and that was the only sound that could be heard). Her so-called owner kept shouting 'Snowy, come here...Snowy , I want you here now'. My mind still frozen in vadivelu mode, 'Dei adha paatha chinese dog madhiri irukku...subtitles aachu podu da...nagara maatengudhu .. en life oda vilayadrade velaiya pochu'  *vadivelu cry* (Subtitles: I strongly felt the dog was chinese and didn't understand a word of what was being said. I hoped against hope that subtitles will be provided for it to understand and move.' Finally, Revolver Rita's boss, boss is not the owner...owner is the american mapillai in this story, his role is over. Her boss is a big alsation German Shepherd dog who thankfully understood english and provided the necessary translation with a big bark and 2 whoofs . In our terms it can be translated as , 'Vidu...enga poida pora...Nalaikku thaniya varumbodhu potrulam..Inikku prechana venam.' (Let's kill her tomorrow) . Thus, my life was saved in the distance of 2 steps.

I became extra cautious when in my apartment and didn't linger out much and always had a backup plan in case of surprise attacks. Sensing my extra caution, I didn't get any further attacks at apartment. At the apartment being the keyword here. I didn't know how my plan to travel had leaked out. I entered airport well in time ...in fact very much ahead to board the flight. I was happy as I assumed I can cross to security check and happily binge on some snack before boarding the flight. They had other plans. As the queue moved towards the security check, I looked at him. The eyes staring right onto me leaving all the people in front of me. He was there, waiting for me. Laughing that the time has come to end this chase. Everyone had to walk past this sniffer dog with our carry on bags. I thought it was just a ploy to kill me, I would die of cardiac arrest before I pass to the other side. This would be natural death and not a murder then. I swayed from this side to that side like Guna Kamal with Partha vizhi parta badi poothu irukka in BGM (little sad version) and the sniffer dog was sniffing every carry on bag (same ease with which the heroine distributes laddus)  in front of me getting me closer and closer. My turn arrived. Now, I see you! We stood frozen! Yes, like Guna Kamal...just that this was out of brain/Everything-freeze and not by the admiration. I refused to budge! I heard the American Mapillai-2 (owner/whoever was holding) trying to pull me into the trap by assuring, 'Nothing is going to happen...Just walk past!" Nope! Not that I was defiant enough but just that I was frozen at that spot. I could see the villainous smile curving his mouth... Epdi pora paakalam being his mindvoice. When I thought, I'm going to soon find out about the myth behind hell and heaven, I heard footsteps towards me. Gaaptain Prabhakaran to the rescue...The American Gaaptain Prabhakran took my carry on bag and walked past his mouth to its disappointment and shock. I was then taken away by our Gaaptain Prabhakaran through another gate...At that moment all I wanted to do was to push a paperweight down (yeah...when you push paperweight down, it means you are going to touch the feet of the person in an inconspicuous way-Origin: Suryavamsam). With Laaale lale laale (Rosa poo BGM), sweat in my eyes and gratitude in my heart, I left the place. *wiping the sweat*

Wassup?

I hope you remember that I have a brain that's actually my biggest villain. It makes words just disappear from my head when I most need them but keeps singing the song (only the first line)  that I hate the most, all through the day after picking up the first line from somewhere. So yeah, one such song is going on in my head and I'm trying to distract it with the tik tik tik sound of my keyboard.

Has anyone wondered that Mark Zuckerburg could have been that nosy aunt who loves gossiping about anyone and anything in previous birth or parallel universe or anywhere else that you believe exists? I have always had that thought :P (Yes, thanks to my brain!). So he landed on Earth and gave gossiping a tinge of coolness rather than doing it, the age old way of sitting in a circle and talking about people. All you have to do is, click a button and there you go, everything about a person's life. Who is with whom, who is eating what ... And then he acquired Whatsapp too again proving my point that he was that nosy aunt before :P I had to get my parents introduced to that virtual-nosy-aunt, it was fun. I gave them KT and before I could get a reverse KT, I was here. So direct hands-on it was. Whenever I used a new smiley, my mom would call me and ask what does that smiley mean :P She'll make sure to use it the next time whenever there is a chance. I have got an earful many a time. Here goes a sample, please don't tell anyone...You'll know why when you read it *monkeyclosedeyes*

Me: * monkeyclosedeyes*

Mom:  Why are you sending a monkey to me?

Me : It means facepalm *puts girl with hand on head smiley*

Mom: I don't know what's facepalm .Do not hit your head with your hand . How many times to tell you that it is a bad habit.

Me: Ok *loses patience*

Mom: *continues* Always use happy smileys, then only you'll also be smiling. Avoid that head -hitting-smiley

Me: *1 row full of facepalm smiley* and logs out

Mom: Had dinner?

Me: Yup!

Mom: What does yup mean?

Me: Yup means yes *eye roll*

Mom: You and your language. Why do you have to change yes to yup. Both are 3 letters.

Me: *mouth zipped*

Me: Ma... I have poured oil, then added mustard, chilli and methi. what to do next? Type fast

Mom- typing

Mom-typing

Mom-typing

After 2 whole minutes

Mom: Hi. What are you doing?

Me *keeps my phone aside*

Every single time when this guy drops his HIV+ blood in frooty/slice/maaza bottles and NDTV informs it, I will be getting this message cautioning me to not drink (irrespective of whether it is available here or not :P) ...Now tell me what can I do without sending monkeyclosed eyes or facepalm?

Do you know who keeps Mark Zuckerberg's account increasing? None other than your mamas, mamis, chaachas, chaachis, didi1, didi2,didi3, didi(n), cousin's cousin's cousin...In short family groups. I realise that something is wrong with my network or Whatsapp when family group(s) don't have message ticking. Else there will be 51 forwards in 2 hrs and 50 minutes with 46 being a repeat of whatever someone else posted in the previous 2 hrs 50 minutes and 5 will be ones that are there in the family group (2) as part of one of the 51s. In short, it is the same message that will go round and round till it reaches the group from where it started. It will start with 'Good morning' with God/Flowers/Quotes and go on till 'Good night' with baby sleeping/cute animals/again God...In between you'll have 5 things to remember, 10 things to lead a happy life, 15 things to know about vegetables, 20 things to know about anything-under-the-sun, HIV+ blood in maaza/slice/frooti, ISIS people starting WhatsApp group and sending invitation to everyone like it is a wedding (really?) , high radiation alert between 2 am and 6 am every other day, moon will seem bigger tonight, dads are priceless, salute women, proud to be daughter,  send it to people who are special,beautiful, all adjectives...Not to forget the at least 15 MB videos at regular intervals. Phew! At times, I get confused which group is what as I'll see same forward in all the groups at the same time. Lol :P 

If at 1.30 am you are not sleepy, open FB/WhatsApp and find out '20 ways to fall asleep'.. See it's useful. No...You are not allowed to just shut down your phone and eyes...That's prohibited! :P The other day I asked my friend, 'Hey is it raining outside?' She got up and rushed to her room. I was wondering why is she going in when the balcony is just here.  She replied, 'Yes!Light rain.' looking down at her phone :P How stupid of me :P

Successfully Dee won the chance to be my trainer for driving :P Bloopers are piling up :P Looks like I'll have to do part 1,2, 3 to cover all ;)

My friend: Cinco de mayo

It was lunch hour, so I thought she was talking something about mayo (mayonnaise) and was about to ask why is she asking me to take mayo for curd rice when I have Priya's mango pickle  *monkeyclosdeyes*

Thankfully, another added 'Yes! It is May 5th' I did a Joey nod like I got it and stuffed a spoonful of curd rice to stop my brain from giving me more weird ideas.

Desiness Vs Videsiness

I had been thinking of writing this for a long time now. Finally, I just took out my laptop and decided to write it down, come what may. So here I am, ignoring my dinner preparation to write it down....see how big a sacrifice (*clears throat*). From the moment I had landed here, my desi brain was playing spot-differences-game and was always comparing the desiness to the videsiness :P So when my brain has done so much prep work, why not make use of it before it evaporates forever :P Here we go, life in Charlotte vs life in Chennai.

->Hunting a house for rent

Chennai:

As soon as you think about shifting your house...let alone shifting, for buying, selling, searching a maid, looking for bride/groom...first thing is inform that particular aunty/uncle in your area who will act as a broadcaster and spread the word to far and wide....So far way that you may get a call enquiring the same even from neighbouring continent or even planet :P  Next job is telling all neighbour kadai annas to collect and keep Adyar times, thiruvanmayur times, anna nagar times...precisely all-areas-in Chennai times. Then circle the suitable ones and contact. Not sure about the house but you'll end up finding at least one somebody's some cousin in the process and end up talking for 30 minutes :P So you'll have to undergo strict interview process of answering questions before you are even allowed to see the house...It is said that even visa interview and immigration scrutiny was inspired by this process. You are finallyallowed into a house (To visit and check). After agreeing to all the terms and conditions and negotiating to 10 months advance, you get ready to move. Oh yeah! Moving is inclusive of changing newspaper-guy, cable-guy, milk-guy,etc etc !

Charlotte:

It's community and not apartment! Google becomes the aunty/uncle here. Search for the neighbouring communities to your workplace, give details on their website and check availability for the move-in date mentioned. Every community has a leasing office (proxy house-owner) which will be more like air-hostess kind of ladies who smile and say happy-to-help when you check the model houses (here we have model houses to just have a tour) and then with the same smile say sorry- we-are-not-responsible-for-that after we move in and become a resident. You'll have a credit history check (You are always being watched!) and your security deposit is waived or reduced depending on how good have you been (Hence, Proved! Santas exist :P).They ask you 'Do you prefer the 1st floor or 2nd floor'. You say 1st floor and expect to be taken one flight of stairs up...Be ready to be disappointed. 1st floor = Our ground floor ...  For the benefit of all, I have burnt the midnight oil to come up with the formula to avoid confusion, pls note down and by heart- Our floor number N= Amreekan floor (A)-1. You'll have the patio and not the balcony in every house :P No tension to newspaper-guy, cable-guy, milk-guy cos you are everything here...Just inform yourself to move on the correct date :P Before your lease ends, you'll have a strict inspection and check to see the amount of damage done! (You are always watched :P)

-> Cleaning the house

Chennai:

'Aishu...sit on the bed or sofa with your feet up. Give way for the maid to sweep/mob.'

When maid and mom are together, the very own daughter becomes a stranger. They have such an emotional bond. This is an everyday activity. Even if one day maid is on leave, entire house will be turned upside down. In the case of no maid, sweeping and mobbing will be an everyday activity.

Charlotte:

'Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr' *bgm* 'Aishu ...what are you doing?'
'Nothing ma... Sunday! Vaccuming the house...once in a week activity (which later becomes alternate weeks) :P
Carpet flooring ma...how will it get dirty' :P  *hiding the dust jar of vacuum*

-> Making Plans to go out

Chennai:

'Shall I take bus...Get down at that stop then share-auto?'
'Even train would work'
'May be I should take auto?*seeing the known anna's auto outside your gate*
'Should I book uber...let me check the price.'
Finally decides to take ola-share or uber-pool

Charlotte:

Take your car *no thinking*
No car- Book uber/ carpool with a friend.
Uber arrives -driver name harry- you expect a guy (uber drivers are always guys from Chn experience) but there she is, smiling and ready to take you on a tour!

-> Grocery Shopping

Chennai:

'Aishu..Go and get 1 packet of jeera and mustard from Ramesh stores... Come soon! I have kept oil to heat.' I will have to rush to the grocery store across the street and come with jeera, mustard and eclairs chocolate as he doesn't have change. My mom will give a huge list at the starting of the month and the guy will deliver in a big carton. I will be excited to open it always like it is some gift box :P

Charlotte:

Dedicate a day for 'Grocery Shopping'. Make a list ...Take your car/Book cab, spend half a day, get whatever you need (planned for a month but lasts for 3 weeks), get the trolly to your car (No annas to help you with the loading...only self service :P )dump it in the trunk of your car till it can hold no more, come home exhausted and make noodles in 5 minutes for dinner :P

-> Cooking

Chennai:

'Amma...I'm hungry! What's for lunch'
'Eeeeeew...I hate beans!'
Within 10 minutes
*potato fry ready*

Charlotte:

Scenario1:

'What shall we make?'
*opens the fridge and stares at all the instant food available*
What about salad? We should eat something healthy..Okay?!' *starts eating raw vegetables and fruits*

Scenario2:

Me: 'Amma...send recipe for avial'
*Follows the recipe verbatim and makes repeated video calls*
Tadaa...Morkozhambu ready! (Well yeah...started as avial but then it became morkozhambu at the end) :P

->Dogs!

Chennai:

You have to escape every single dog after you step out. But still, you'll hear a 'Woof or a lol' to make your heartbeat skip.

Charlotte:

THE SAME!

Dogs never let me in peace even if the owners are close-by...Do they? (Story in some other post)

Having proved the point that car is mandatory here, I'm in the process of finalizing my trainer...just 4 classes you see :P One is Mr Mark who is on the first street from my house (Margabandhu mudhal theru...this impressed me to add him to the finalists list ) and another is Ms Dee (Remember Dee for Death from Shiva's Tamizh padam?')..I'm curious to see her...So there are lots more to add to compare and contrast and lot more blooper episodes (obviously...car driving) to follow. Have a great week ahead folks! 

PS: No... Not necessarily all people abroad watched Baahubali, 1st-day 1st show to find why kattappa killed Baahubali :P

A girl has no name

If Arya Stark was from Chennai and was instead called Arivazhagi Santhanagopalan, she could have achieved the 'a girl has no name' status effortlessly in the US of A. People who got the reference, 'Thank you! Please visit again for the next post.' People who didn't, you are my audience for this post as we are going to deal with this in detail :P

Flashback *mosquito coil*

A cute girl baby *cough cough* was born and people around were contemplating about what do we call her. 'Inky pink ponky', 'O God please tell me who is the catcher' , 'Ini mini mina moe' and everything was used. All permutations and combinations like ' kabimkubam', 'kambikumba', 'kumbibaagam' was tried and finally announcement came from the parents, 'Let's give her a name that is very common here such that she ends up with atleast one another person sharing the name in the class...But...*dramatically rubbing palms* make it unique by giving her a different spelling. This will make her stand out in the crowd' *evil laugh* From then on, this girl used to walk to the teacher on the first day of every new academic year citing a misspelling in the attendance register. She would always be heard stressing, 'My name is 'A-I-S-W-A-R-Y-A'. You see, there is no H in between. In India, she had become, 'A girl with so many names'-Ishwarya', 'Ishvarya','Isvarya', 'Aishwarya'. She always had 3 people standing up with her when her name was called and ended up having number with name during most of her school life. She was 'Roll number 4 Ais(h)warya'...please come here.' And then the story went on till she graduated and joined an IT company like most of the Ais(h)waryas but here you don't call people by name. It is your associate ID that becomes your pseudo name and hence she became ' A girl who has a number as a name'  If you are going go 'chu chu chu' *feeling pity not a dog's signal* now, get ready with a box of tissues (hey we say tissues and not kerchief ...Amreeekan language conversion yaar :P) as it is going to be one soga kadhai (sad story). Brace yourself and read further *enough of drama*

So this girl travels to the US of A, feeling relieved that there is no more sharing name with the person sitting beside you and she is going to be relieved of checking the spelling. Here comes the twist in the story. First day, call with the fellow Amreekans,

Amrk: 'Hey! Welcome to the team'
She * feeling happy as the name read correctly on the screen...mutiple violins symphony bgm*- "Thanks!"
Amrk: 'What's your name? Sorry I didn't get it "
She:  *stares at him like climax nayagan kamal choking with disbelief with a single violin doordashan BGM*-
After she tries her best to take free pronunciation class for the next 5 minutes,
Amrk: "Ahhh...I get it! Aish vaaya'
*mindvoice* Ennadu idhu...Vaaya poya nu mariyadha illama pesara (Translation : *typed...erased*)
She: 'Yesssss! Perfect!' *takes a deep breath*

From then on, unsaid agenda for every following call will be 'pronunciation' class for the first 5 minutes and end up with even more permutations combinations.

Amrk1: 'Hey! I'm Mike' *extending hand for handshake*
She *mind voice* : Ennn da ennnn... ivlo neram nalla dhana poitu irundhdhu (Things were fine till now)
*Clears throat* : 'HI Mike! I'm Aiswarya!'
Amrk1: "Sorry what?" makes all possible mouth gestures ( in an attempt to recreate the word which would have got few chappals and thodapakattai  or a remark 'Paaku- ellam inga thuppa koodadhu sir'  if in Chennai but finally gives up.
She: "Yeah ! It's difficult! But a common name in India". Diplomatically asking him to stop trying.
Amrk1 *asks for a repeat performance and sees the lip movement*- 'Ahhhh ...It's Aish-Swaha'
She: Yes! Absolutely right! *name-swaha*
Amrk1: He ll give a vida muyarchi vishwarooba vetri smile (smile relishing the success of 100 trials) and will walk away marking the task for the day of Swaha-ing a name as accomplished.

So everytime there is a group of Amreekans, she ll have to literally send telepathy waves asking them to just not ask her name. But never once had it worked! After an elaborate conversation when the person had actually forgotten to ask her name
She *mind voice* Soona paana apdiye continue pannu...neee en pera kekadha naan un pera keka maaten...epdi namma dealing! (Do not ask my name! Period!)
Amrk2 *catching the mistranslated telepathy waves...This is the problem with translation...Never has translation worked*- 'I'm sorry! What's your name? Pardon my bad memory!'
She *Ussss habbbaaa...Ippove kanna kattudhe* Explains the pronunciation and realizes lunch is over and tea time is here
Amrk2: Impatiently ..."Gotcha! Aish-warrior" Wow! A brave name!
She *faints*

You know who the brave warrior is, obviously, Yours Truly! Like the Moov ad of 'Ah se Aha thak', anyone around uses a word that starts with 'Ah and ends with Aha' will get my due response and acknowledgement cos I'm a girl who has no name!

At the end of the day , when I return home and start my music player, 'Un perai sonnalae ull naaku thithikudhe' sings by hammering the final nail to the coffin. Venam Venam! Valikidhu! Azhudhuruven!

Desi me: If they have so much of a trouble pronouncing my name, what will happen if Thillu Mullu movie's 'Aiyampettai Arivudainambi Kaliyaperumal Chandran' or 'Aiyampettai Arivudainambi Kaliyaperumal Indran' shows up in Amreeeka? *Aiyaayooo to Aala vidungo* Amreeka Shock! Superstar rocks! :P


So here is Aish Swaaha, Aish-Vaaya, Aish-warior, Aaah yeah, Aa...something something...yup signing off till my next post!

Amreekens and Arisi vadaam

The first thing I did after moving into new house was setting up the filter. Everyday morning I'm waking up to the smell of hot fresh filter kaapi (decoction extra 😜) making it a StarBagyam morning to me ;)  As I was sipping my morning Kaapi, I stepped out to check if I have 'The Hindu' at my doorstep *exaggeration alert* During that momentary travel from Charlotte to Chennai when I opened the door and stepped out, I was greeted by atleast a handful of Americans *Sare jahan se accha bgm soon changed to We shall overcome* and I was brought back. Everytime I walk or any moment I'm out, I will definitely be smiled by good number of Americans. No American will just walk past you ignoring your presence. Initially, I felt very weird with this attention cos as an Indian we are brought up with this idea , 'Don't smile or take biscuits from a stranger but you can definitely marry a stranger' and so we walk like zombies , keeping an expressionless stoneface. In elevators, we become zombie++. We might even freeze and hold our breath but won't talk or smile at the person nearby as our eyes will get transfixed at the floor display as if we are just learning numbers and seeing the up arrow and down arrow with full concentration. Coming from this background, I was taken a little aback with this over dosage of attention and goodiness. The first act I experienced was in flight. Did I mention it earlier? Never mind :P In the Chennai to Abu Dhabi flight, I was sitting beside a stranger and being the pakka desis, we gave a cautious smile like we are going to open the and offer biscuit packets if the smile is of an extra inch and put on the headset. From then on we were two different entities. I had ordered Asian veg meal and was waiting for my order. The one next to me had got his. He opened and didn't even do a small talk about my dinner as a courtesy. I didn't find it odd at that moment as I was used to such a behaviour. Cut this scene and we open the next scene in Chicago to Charlotte, American Airlines.I was walking in with my baggage and was cautiously looking at the seat numbers clearly giving away that it is my first visit. When I reach my seat, this guy was already standing and I was a little doubtful as it was my seat ...Yeah yeah...The IRCTC habit :P The guy, looking at my expression got up immediately and said , 'sorry ma'am...It's your seat. I was I was just adjusting my bags.' He immediately gestured me to hand over my bags to keep it on the overhead cabins. When we settled in our seats, he remarked about the weather (that's the conversation starter ) and shook hands introducing his family who were on the other side. He enquired about my travel as if he is a long lost friend of mine and whenever we were offered food or drink, he made it a point to pass it to me first. When his son went to get some juice, he asked his dad who was beside me and immediately he asked me too if I need some. They imbibe this quality of being courteous from a very young age. So after I entered You-Yesss-of-Yaee, I was asked "Hey how do u do?" "Hey ! How's it going?" This is the secret of Amreekans seeming happy always. Even when you are feeling down at dumps, you ll be forced to reply positively to the greeting with a smile. So what I'm trying to imply here is as we watch the press relase of Dhoni stepping down from captaincy and puff that slight tear forming the end of our eye, there will be atleast 2 Johns, 2 Mikes and 1 Sam to walk past us saying "How do you do?", "Isn't it a bright morning?" and "Hey, what's up buddy? Everything goin good?"...After smiling intermittently to each one and muttering 'Goin good' with the same enthusiasm, we will go 'Ennachhu' forgetting the cause of our tear and finally end up saying 'Ada po pa.. IPL is there. CSK will be back dawww...Dhoni dawww...Captain dawww' and will carry on with our work.

During the christmas holidays, I was busy shopping... Yeah thanksgiving to Christmas looks like our Aadi Thallubadi... Buy 1 get 1 or 50% to 75% off or  Marlin Monroe use panna soap-u dabba free free free... Wherever you go, the magic word "Free" plays wonders. All malls immediately turned from spencers plaza to Saravana stores buzzing with people...Seeing so many people I couldn't help saying "Dei...Ivlo nerama neengalam enga da olinjitu irundheenga" ( Where were you all hiding for so long?) So yeah, coming to the point, when I was trying all possible clearance stuffs , I missed my winter jacket in one of the bundle of clothes I discarded in the store. As I was walking stealthily, looking around, I saw lady looking at me with a broad smile and exclaimed , "Hey there! Nice collections huh? These are my selections! You can got those on that stand". Indirectly she notified my thiruttu muzhi .  I had to smile and say, "Oh no! I'm looking for my jacket that I had left behind by mistake." She went, "Oh dear! I's so cold outside! Jamie! Can I get some help here. This lady has left behind her jacket here". Within few seconds I had 5 people looking for that 1 brown spencer plaza jacket. I was very much inclined to do a Kamal reaction of 'Ah Aaah' and emotionally choking and the abundant shower of love. Oh yeah! I got my jacket.

Recently half my house went dark. My roommate asked me whether it is like in India...one phase electricity is out. I rubbished it 'Hey this is US yaar...Come on'. We called one of our friends residing in the same community (Self talk:When start calling apartments as community, you are definitely settling in)  but no response. This is when our desi minds come to its form wearing lungis. 'Do we ask our neighbours?' Trust me! It has been one month but none of us know who is residing near us. We knocked the door of the house that had a nice doormat...yeah we chose the house based on the doormats. A guy in mid 40s with biceps and tatoo opened the door. In short, he was the villain that all the heros protect their heroines from and the bad guy from whom moms warn us from taking the biscuits.I heard us both gulping down saliva at the same time. Our villain was still starring with a quizzical look and my brain was still having the lungi on and I asked, " Hi! We have just moved in to that house. All of a sudden power supply went down for one half of the house. We are not sure what to do.Are you facing the same issue?'. In short it was the age old practice of looking at your neighbour's house to check if they have power when our house goes dark...Mainly to become happy :P He nodded and said , 'Not at all...Look! I have power supply.' His 'fully lighted' house was worse than my 'half lit' house. It was the house with light equivalent to 2 lit candles. He was grinning and as we were saying thanks and thinking on what to do next , he immediately jumped to rescue, 'Hey! I know what would have gone wrong. I can help you out. Can I come in?" And boom! he was heading to our house before we could respond. He then shook hand saying , 'Hi I'm Kevin!' He stormed into the house . My friend was cautiously standing out with the door open ready to lock him in :P I was walking behind him with my heart in my mouth. He went to a grey box and pushed few buttons and gave us knowledge transition. It was an 'Ada cha' moment. It is our very same 'Phase is tripped...Push it' after you grind a heavy load of idly podi in your mixie. The light that burned behind my head reflected my emoji at that time. Kevin gave a thumbsup and asked if there was any other issues . After that, we saw him a couple of times and he asked us, 'Hey there! Is everything going good? All nice and settled?' . Whenever he walks past us I hear, 'Andha vaanatha pola manam padacha mannavane' with Kevin putting his thundu on his shoulder and marching with a kadhir vetti sattai .

So moral of the stories is that wherever you go in the world, gaaaptains, kamals and vadivelus will follow you.

I almost forgot to mention the other half of the post's tite. Having established the fact that Amreekans are pasakara pasanga (Google translate:Affectionate guys), I was asked by this person to try the new crisps that she got. When I did, I couldn't help saying, 'Hey! This is our arisi vadaam!' I can buy this as side dish for sambhar rice *mind voice*