Mere Pass Ma Hai

This was written for an internal blogging contest-

Topic- Woman of my life!

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I was pondering over the topics given and that's when my phone blinked with 'Amma calling' (No...This is not a horror story...No ghosts. It is my mom from Chennai). So I picked up the call and did the customary 'Hmmmm....Hmmmm...okay' with my brain still preoccupied with what to write. "Already written a post about grandma with 1000 violins playing in the background for the previous contest... May be I should write about random women like cab drivers, roadside vendors or even better, watch some videos online from the foundation that helps old and poor people on road and get inspired to recreate the sentiment with 1000*1000 violins in the background...Nah! What if it becomes a blooper and I hear 1000*1000 chorus laughter instead!Enakku illa enakku illa...Blogger extraordinaire title enakku illa!" All of a sudden, I heard a voice,"Main hoon na...Write about me!" That's when I realised hiyyoo mindvoice nu nenachi satthama pesitoma (I just increased the volume of my mind voice and announced it with my inbuilt mic). My mom continued- "Write about how good I am ... How much your mom has done..etc etc...Listen to all Amma sentiment songs so that you'll get into that feel". I had a one-eyebrow-raised expression. Until then, I didn't have the slightest idea to write and this line inspired me- "Remember this, I will not spare you if you tease or write anything bad about me". :P Challenge Accepted! *Ross-quiz-master tone*

I'm sure you'll remember the epic scene of 'Mere Pass ma hai". So if someone who is being trolled ruthlessly online comes to me and says 'Mere pass memes hain, trolls hain, stand-up comedians hain...tere pass kya hai?' I would wipe my tears and respond - 'Mere Pass Ma Hai'! Yes! Her full-time job is to troll me royally and part time job is being my mom (occasionally). If you assign everyone a Game of Thrones character, my mom is definitely Olenna Tyrell , at least when I'm at the receiving end. She has an answer to everything..EVERYTHING  that I ask or tell.

So a few days back, I was giving her a detailed explanation of 'Depression'. I was explaining her the medical reasons, symptoms and how the close circle should look out. My idea was to spread awareness (Nah! To show off that I read an article). She heard everything for 20 minutes and then replies, 'Go eat... You are hungry!'. I was literally the personification of Skype's open-mouth smiley. I was almost patting my back that I made my mom understand what a depression is and she disregards the entire stuff with just one line- "Go eat...You are hungry". According to my mom root-cause to all problems in the world is my hunger. India-Pakistan war- Aishu, go eat! A man was murdered in his house- Aishu, you are hungry! Aliens attack- Aishu, you get cranky when you are hungry.  I didn't give up, I'm the Bethal of Vikramaditya ...So I prolonged (*my bad*), 'Amma...I'm telling you something so important and you didn't even bother to listen. She- "Yeah I heard! Only when you are hungry, you tend to talk like this." Me continuing the drama-" This why people get into depression. You are ignorant! If tomorrow I get into depression , you won't be able to identify." *killer-blow* After a 2-second pause -"There is another fact..'People who cause depression will not be affected by it. You are very safe!" *savage*
My mom has never been the lovey-dovey...Oh! My poor Baby- kind. If I get hurt, bruised my knee... I'll be asked to wash my leg and play again while I used to see moms fuss when there is even a slight cut. When she used to walk me back from school (Primary), I would be carrying my 100kg heavy bag and 100g heavy lunch back while other parents used to immediately grab the bag..This special treatment was only with me... When she had to pick up some otehr kid along with me , she used to pick up the bags or even carry the kid and walk home... I would be walking home, carrying the extra 50g of lunch-bag of that random kid and would be giving a sad look to thenpandi cheemayile therodum veedhiyile ...maan pola vandhavalai yaar adicharo (sad song) song sung by every passerby seeing my pathetic-state *Atleast 2 violins in this scene please* Going by the cold treatment I got from my mom, I was having this doubt that I might have been adopted :P So I decided to confront the truth (* again bad idea*) and asked my mom, 'Am I adopted? Tell the truth... Did you get me from dustbin *dramaqueen in me*?' Thought I added enough sentiment to the scene and was having two kinds of ending planned to this scene in my head

Option A- "How can you utter such words? You are the apple of our eyes...I had undergone so much pain to get you to this world and you *sob* *sob* - Scene...Rejected! May be it would have been a very sentimental scene in movie but this can never be my mom's reply

Option B- "What did you do today? Threw the food I packed or Did you get your Maths paper? You'll create a scene just to cover up - Possibilities are high...My mom can link up everything and can keep me in the accused cell forever.

But the scene had a very different ending

Actual reply- "I don't think I would be dumb enough to get you. Who will get into trouble knowing it is a trouble!" *cuts apple and dumps in my mouth to symbolically show that you are stumped and speechless* 'You are adopted!' would have sounded more soothing to my wounded heart at that moment.

One more final incident to make my heart lighter and then I'll let the curtains fall. This happened very recently ( 2 hrs back from when I started this post)...One of my friend along with her daughters has visted Rajini and put up the pic in FB. I told it to my mom and asked - "You never took me to meet Rajini. Look at her, just cos her kids wanted, she arranged it somehow." My mom's reply- "Why will we arrange? You yourself act like a celebrity at home. You'll keep your legs on the table, lie on couch and order everyone around to get things done for you... So we always have a feeling that we are all maids to a celebrity and we never get a feel of meeting any new one!" *pointing towards me- onakku idhu thevaya *(Sub: Why did you have to ask her?)

There is still lots more to tell about the woman in my life but can't go on writing Part 1...Part N... I'm glad that I'm able to share my sad state with you, good-hearted readers. After reading this, if any of you have an idea of adopting me, please don't speak to my mom, she'll talk you out of it.

@mom- Did you also believe everything I told above?... Haiyyyyo Haiyyyyoo....April fool...Cha...Belated April fool! All I meant was 'My mommmmmyy is the besssssssttttt mommmmy in the whole world'...Let me dedicate the below drawing to you....Smile Pleeeej :P *usss habba* *wipes sweat on the forehead*