Vaharaganemos Irhahidhithi Jollylojimkana

You must be wondering what does this title mean (Yes- You are selected, No- Following lines are for you)! I know there are few Thenavattu-Thangavelus who’ll say, ‘I didn’t wonder’- Thoppi Thoppi Thoppi! To all those Thenavattu Thangavelus, I’ll note down your names and will make your managers to ask the meaning in your YEA meetings (Of course, I’ll give the answer key)…Muhahahahaha  Now let’s start from the beginning again, I know you must all be wondering about the title…Please don’t google, it might crash! This is a secret language that was lost in 100 BC and was rediscovered by me with the help of my auto-correct feature.

Just like our autos in front of railway stations pulling everyone into the luxury vehicle without even checking if they want their service, my auto-correct will take all possible savaris (trips) that come its way and will incorrect it…Sample becomes Sambhar (Try the sambhar and then decide), Channa becomes Chennai (We made Chennai with roti)…It adds morning/night (as per its wish) to good. So if I want to compliment saying ‘This is so good!’ It will be sent as this is so good morning. It’s definitely a conspiracy! When I want to convey some message, the conspirators manipulate it in such a way, the total meaning is lost. The most serious sentence becomes the most hilarious one…Once I had (meant) to send ‘Hey! I’m on my way. Will be there in few minutes’…Guess what was the actual message…”Hey! I’m Onam ay. Wilderness in few minutes.”  The best part is even for this message, I got the reply as “ok.Sure!” Hence, proved! Theory 1- Our brain is trained to look past the autocorrect and read it correctly or Theory 2- No one reads trhe tesxt! In a way, autocorrect is like Arnab Goswami, you have to listen to it, whatever it may be!

While we are still on this topic, I have a confession to make. So I was moved to this new team and I was struck in meetings from 8 am to 5 pm continuously as it is just starting up. Me being the one with loud-speaker voice, even the normal conversation would sound like an argument. When I was on call, there was this angel-me (Just like the ones you see in movies- When the actor is in dilemma, his clones stand on either side…One is the angel and the other one is the evil one. Both will confuse the already confused actor and finally, they’ll go in when he shouts Nooooooo’.) So yeah, the angel-me stood out (evil me is always in me..We cannot be separated) and showed me the picture of how I am in calls “Listen to me, listen to me…No No No…That’s not how it should be. Let me set up a meeting with him rightaway”. And then, Arnab laughed at me!

So we have demo meetings with the business stakeholders. During the wait-period (application loading time :P) we will distract (ahem)by initiating small talks. During one such session, he told us that his son went to attend his best friend’s wedding who married an Indian. He was confused as the wedding went on and on and it was a never-ending process. He also told us ‘Suddenly there was a talent show. Each one had to perform something to the crowd. My son was also asked to perform and he had a hard time refusing them. Why do you have a talent show in a wedding?’ At first, I didn’t understand what he meant by talent show and when I did, I burst out laughing. If you still haven’t figured out, well well well, it’s called Sangeeth ceremony to us and talent show to the rest of the world  Matrimonial madness continues even beyond borders!

Having been strictly banned from mocking anything related to matrimony for a while (I have lots of content on this topic) by the home minister (Democracy zindabad), I still cannot stop myself from narrating this conversation that happened with my friend

Me: I met this guy at the bus station! You should hear about him!

She: Oooooooh! Should I be excited? Where is he from? How old is he? Did you ask details? Should we ask for his jaadhagam (horoscope) *Such a Mylapore behaviour moment*

Me: Sure! I can ask him!  But I don’t think he will be ready to give so many details as he got released from prison this morning. He served 24 months after having caught in the possession of 250g of stuff.

She : *2 min of silence* How can you talk to strangers? Don’t you have any seriousness? Why do you talk to some random guys…Just stay away…okay? Don’t do anything stupid.

Me: Hey, what about his jaadhagam? 

People, I say!  

So this American friend of mine asked me how to wish ‘Happy Birthday’ in Tamil. Immediately, I saw two horns pop on my head. Firstly, I don’t know why he wanted Tamil translation when the birthday boy was actually Telugu. Since I’m basically very helpful , I immediately helped him with the translation which can be considered similar to Mouna Ragam’s ‘Poda dei…Ukkaru da somberi’. All I said was, ‘Chennai super kings ku whistle podu!’ Though he was perplexed with the usage of Chennai and kings…I managed by saying , ‘It s an age-old wish and translates to you’ll have a Chennai- King-like year’. Well, It’s my bit to announce CSK is back, *whistles* *drumroll* Oh you people want to know the ending, well, he didn’t remember it and ended up wishing happy birthday. Such a bummer!

I have many cab stories (I’ll write a dedicated post for that)…So on one fine day, I booked uber. As soon as I sat in, usually I initiate a conversation. On that day, I was preoccupied with something and didn’t pay much attention to the driver. I just sat with the customary ‘Hey! How’ya doin?’ Within few minutes, he asked me ‘Work ah ma? WIFI hotspot on pannata?’ I replied without looking up , ‘Illa na..Thanks!’ And then, it struck! I’m in Charlotte and not in Chennai. Did we actually have a conversation in Tamil? I now looked up with ‘Ada!’ expression. He looked at me in the mirror and said, I’m also an IT employee. Now quit and going to join another company. So now I have a break of 2 months …So driving whenever I feel like! That 20-minute ride felt like the share-auto/cab in Chennai…It was totally a Nyabagam varudhe Nyabagam varudhe scene *wipes tears using disinfectant wipes and reapplies moisturizer*

I called this friend of mine and I heard ‘Shape of You’ playing loudly in a horrible speaker behind. I enquired whether it is her brother at home. She immediately laughed and said ‘ Hey! It’s Amman Koyil thiruvizha time… That’s playing in loudspeakers.’ OMG!!! Amman koyil thiruvizha song :O From Made-In-India to Shape-of-You, what a transformation! Technology has improved so much 

Now with Rajini entering politics, Kamal entering politics, Vishal entering politics, Vijay entering politics, Ajith entering politics (*Koluthi poduvom* Thenavattu Thangavelus…Ratings…remember? No cross question)…Should I also contemplate standing in elections? Hey, they need a tough competitor you see! 

Tadaa

These days I feel so embarrassed when someone introduces me as a blogger... Yeah! Though I smile and go, "Well, yeah!  I enjoy blogging." The inner-me yells, "Liar! Liar! Your pants on fire! Use past tense, you liar!" So I thought of giving a glimpse of something/anything/nothing just to say "Tadaaa....I'm here" and then disappear again (by slipping the ring on my finger -show off) :P (Just Kidding)

The ring reminds me that I lost my ring. The ring that I have been wearing from my college is lost...poyindhi...it's gone...poye pochu... Actually, I had an intuition (does that sound creepy?) while I was washing my coffee mug that I should probably consider removing my rings (I wear 4 of them) as they have become very loose. The next day when I returned home from work, it was gone! I went around searching, 'My Precioussss...My preciousss' but no, it was gone! I thought of even sticking a kaana villai notice and also suitable rewards (1 filter coffee+ 2 milkbikis) for anyone who finds my precioussss... But then dropped the idea since no one was ready to print the notice for free :|

Hey, it's not just me..everyone wants free items. With Thanksgiving just done, I realized people liked the free 'mokkai' products better than the ones they pay for. So there was this information that JC Penny (=Pothys) is giving out scratch cards for first 250 ppl that can have $10-$500 in it. Obviously almost all got $10 but still, the queue was almost equivalent to our Tirupathi queue. Doorbusters are even funnier to watch. Doorbusters are nothing but products that will be given at utmost cheap price when the shop opens (2pm- midnight). You'll have ppl standing in the queue for hours like our nursery school admissions. Everyone will have a strategy, yes it is like a war... Dad will instruct his 2 sons to attack from the other 2 entrances and mom will be the spokesperson who will just then find namesake friends and will cut the line to join in the front. So with all this strategy in place, as soon as the doors open, a huge crowd will rush in and pick up things(literally). Each one will have big big dabbas on his shoulder and will be looking for the others...This can definitely be mistaken for some chit-fund company that cheated hundreds and is now ransacked by the public. I thought of taking a video but as soon as the door opened, someone knocked my elbow and there I went diving to save my nexus for the most stunning and safe catch of the year 2017

There is a show called "Konjam Nadinga boss" that cracks me up everytime to see how people deliver the dialogues. The moment I think about yours truly in that shoes...mouth-zipped! I'm terrible at delivering a prepared dialogue. I will start laughing the moment you say start. This is the reason I haven't done even a single Dubsmash video till date. Also for always starring in plays in a role that has no dialogues... A scientist who is just mixing liquids or a deer that jumps around or a sick child who keeps lying in a comfortable bed throughout the play...These are few of my acting experiences. Ask me to speak extempore or host a show, I can do it without the slightest doubt. But delivering dialogues with expressions, never my cup of tea(coffee, in my case :P ). So now having known about my history, geography, physics, let us jump into the story. I was given the information that I'll be featuring in client's year-ending video that'll showcase about my project. I could hear my alter-ego becoming vadivelu and ROFL-ing ,  'Adei Sonamuttha...Pochhaaa'. Well, I somehow managed to deliver it (I think good from the feedback I got). It felt very special to see yourself on a big screen. I was sitting beside a customer-facing person who looked at the screen, then looked at me and asked, 'Is that you?Whoa!' . I turned pink, for sure as I felt my cheeks burning cos of the attention that I was constantly getting...One-day star like one-day CM!

I got this new laptop and I got into testing new all features out of habit. I found bluetooth option was missing. I tried debugging by myself, then resorted to the usual-solution, clear everything, restart. When nothing worked, I pinged the customer care guy. It was my time 11.00 pm. So this guy, after the pleasantries, looked into it and calmly said 'Sorry ma'am! Your laptop doesn't have bluetooth feature. However you can buy one.' I was shocked! How can it not have bluetooth. He woke the QA in me and there was no looking back. I got the specs from the brand's site , marked the bluetooth 4.0 feature in red (Requirement document you see) , attached the complaint and now logged a defect again. Well, it was resolved, of course! It was my QA dawwww moment :P

We had our first snow of the season yesterday…Winter is here! *deep hoarse voice*

Travel Treaty

This is for an internal blogging contest under the theme friendship.

'Har Ek Friend zaroori hotha hai' is a tagline whereas 'Paaysam sapdunga , Friend' is an emotion. So brace yourself, for this is going to be an emotional post about all the friends who have offered paaysam (kheer) to me. There can be many categories of friends:- School friends, college friends, lunch friends, office friends, saadha-Friends, special-saadha-friends etc. In that, a very special and mostly less-focussed category is travel-friends. The ones who are strangers at 8.31 pm when the train starts, will all of a sudden at 9.31pm say 'Paaysam sapdunga friend' and would benevolently offer his food. After eating, at 11 pm whether you are lying unconsciously with no signs of bags or boasting to him about how you managed to get that extra Rs 2000 during demonetization would be the climax of the story(we can cover that in part 2 if I write). So what are we going to talk about? (1 mark question ).

Assuming that you have all gained that 1 mark, (If not read the first para again as imposition) let me deep dive into the topic. We people are wired as talkative. How on earth can we sit quietly for hours? As soon as we enter the train (ignore the checking who is sitting next to you part and getting disappointed that all are senior citizens around you), we mark our areas by filling in bags in all empty space and waiting like you own not just the compartment but the entire train...As soon as people arrive, you judge how friendly are they by first sight. The second step is passing a smile. Meanwhile, if they are asking you to take your bags, dismissed. No second step, no friendly treaties will be signed at least for a while. So based on their reply smile, we’ll decide to be a conversation starter or main course or dessert (main course- listening, dessert- taking out your air-pillow and claiming your be(i)rth right). Whoever decides to be a conversation starter, this will be the question… “ So… Going to <last stop name>?”. Then you know where it goes. If I write the entire conversation, I will be asking for additional sheets. So if we fast fwd the convo... ‘last stop...work...climate...work...TN politics...national politics… international politics….I have got puliogare and curd rice. Will you share?’ This, in travel terms, is equivalent to ‘Will you be my friend forever (read as 8hrs/Nhrs)’! Irrespective of whether to reply is ‘No no...I have brought chappathi’ or ‘Sure… Give me little to taste...Tiger is my favourite animal...That’s why *sheepish/tigerish smile*’, the strangers become close. The bond is so strong (without fevicol dabba on top ) that TTR will assume all are from the same family. If there are two families in the compartment you’ll have various topics going on. Males will be busy recreating The Hindu, TOI, NDTV, Times Now etc. Women will also be busy, ‘I was asking him to book train after 10 pm. I could have at least seen who is eliminated this week from bigg boss.’ Aunty2: ‘Don’t worry. I’ve asked my friend to text me. I’ll update you immediately. Do you think Oviya will be back?’ The kids will be busy with their virtual humans in their virtual world.
When you are single and you are sharing a compartment with family (elder couple), it is an altogether a different experience. They would try hard to be in your good books and try to make you comfortable. One such experience is as follows (be glad that out of habit I didn’t say PFB the scenario. PFA the picture. Please let me know in case of questions).

I was returning in a day train from my friend’s engagement (I think so!) and had 8 hrs to kill. Elderly couple directly went to step 2 of passing a broad smile as I didn’t have any luggage...just a backpack! As the train started, again, uncle smiled...Aunty smiled...I smiled! Then I looked out of the window, staring at everything that’s moving away from us. Here, they were the conversation starters
Uncle *again smile session repeat* - Meeru telugu-ah?
Me- No uncle… Tamil! *1st ball- bowled* I starred outside again at the nothing in particular
Aunty*covering up*- We are in Chennai for the past 2 years. Nobody believes that we are from Andhra-andi’ *laughs*
Me- Cool! Totally shows! *suppressing all the sarcastic comments I get at that comment*
Aunty- “So do you study or work?”
Me- “Just joined work”

Few regular questions whether you know this guy’s son’s neighbor’s cousin who works in the same company
Then uncle started showing off in front of Aunty about his IT knowledge. Within few hours they started consulting me about all their phone problems. I felt like Tim Cook unveiling iPhone X with the amazement and eagerness with which I was looked upon when I downloaded an app to fix their phone-slowdown issue. (chinna fix but beddha build up ..errr I didn’t take a dig at iPhone :P ) In recognition of my good work, I was offered thattai, murukku and seedai (which I declined cos I didn’t want to lose my backpack..But on second thoughts whether it is seedai or backpack...I chose the obvious...Seedai...duh). Now that we have officially signed the friendship treaty of travel, they started enquiring about the reason for travel, how alone, why alone, will anyone come station to pick up..for every correct answer I got a murukku. I had to excuse myself for some urgent reasons (water...murukku...water...more water) and when I came back there was a mini-war happening. TTR was on his way to my compartment. I followed him, anticipating a missing backpack and elderly couple. To my surprise, uncle was talking animatedly to few men…’No no no...You cannot do this’. As soon as TTR and I entered, he looked at us and said, ‘Sir! Good, you came. These people got in here instead of the unreserved compartment and started claiming the seats in our compartment ( the area has been marked dude!) Our girl  (pointing towards me) is sitting here. This is unacceptable!’ Soon the crowd was dispersed, uncle sat at the corner like guarding the entire compartment while the aunty was offering me more murukku. *laaalaaa...laaaalaa...any bgm*

Not just in the train, recently I was traveling to San Jose and my flight was delayed due to bad weather. The flight that was to leave by 5.30 p.m. finally left by 9pm . So during the wait time, I was just scrolling through my FB newsfeed without paying much attention to what am I reading. That’s when I heard a clearing of throat beside me...There was this middle-aged lady sitting beside. I saw her a few minutes back in 2 rows front of me. She was trying step 2 (smiling). Now she sat beside me, ready to keep herself occupied for next few hours. *Smile session repeat* Going to San Jose? (I wanted to say ...No..bought ticket to jump in the sea on the way but held back...Hunger-cranky-me). ‘Yes!’ followed by a brief smile. She continued.’ I’m also going there. My daughter is there. She is here for 5 years. How long have you been here.’ Me- ‘7 months’. She- ‘Ohh! You are new to the US. *welcome to US speech* followed by *tips and tricks to survive* followed by *Venkatesh Bhatt cooking recipes* . Then she formally started the inquiry session. After a while, again, excused myself, this time just to escape. It is only when I leave, people will gather to create excitement in the air...when I returned, as usual, there was a gathering. I realized snacks and drinks are provided. Hence, the long queue. I went and stood in the mini Tirupathi queue sans the jarugandhi person, for my turn to arrive. That’s when I saw Lord Balaji’s wife waving at me with prasad(That lady’s name was Lakshmi...you get the connection right? No bad words). I went to her like Kamal in partha vizhi partha padi poothu irukka (Video link here- Watch after work hrs.Can’t be blamed for productivity loss :P) Just imagine me as Kamal and that lady as Abirami in video. Instead of 2 ladoos, she gave me snacks and water bottle :P Now I have signed the international-travel-friendship treaty. There was no looking back! Soon, history, geography, civics, everything was discussed in length.

Travel friendship reminds me of Anbe Sivam. A film starring Kamal and Madhavan who get introduced during travel and the story evolves from there about their travel to the destination. One of my most favourite movies. It captures the journey very aptly, bring out the initial apprehension while meeting a weird stranger, that nallavana-ketavana dilema, random act of kindness and finally a bond forever! Recommended watch (if you haven’t till now) for sure!

You may ask me why am I posting zentangle of auto while I spoke about train and flight. The explanation is simple...I have this pic which denotes a means of transport= travel..So I will use it :P

Moral of the story...errr...non-story
You may have chapters about people who play an important role but there are also few pages about such random people with such random memories in your book called life ;)

[55F]~ My Dreams on Fire!

This is for an internal blogging contest

Theme: Dream

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She heard his boisterous voice about his daughter amidst tadka.
'My daughter does horse-riding, kathak dancing, karate and is also a class topper.'
She smirked, making perfect rotis.
She is now used to being invisible till they wanted an extra roti.
She laid her eyes on her daughter's anklets,  'I too had a dream!'

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[55F]~ Lost Identity!

This is for an internal blogging contest.


Sitting by the window, she sighed at the busy beauty salon outside.
A mom was feeding her kid, pointing towards her, threatening about child-eating-monster.
'Monster' has become her new identity.
'Girl survives acid attack'- news blared in the background.
'Another monster is born!' she thought, closing her window and hope to outside world.

[55F]- A piece of marvel

I was lying there, reminiscing about our first kiss. How can she throw me out of her life? I felt lost, broken and crushed. My vision blurred, I knew my end was near!
I woke up to applause, flashing lights and curious eyes. Today, I'm a piece of marvel; I'm Ironman- an art from waste.

Mere Pass Ma Hai

This was written for an internal blogging contest-

Topic- Woman of my life!

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I was pondering over the topics given and that's when my phone blinked with 'Amma calling' (No...This is not a horror story...No ghosts. It is my mom from Chennai). So I picked up the call and did the customary 'Hmmmm....Hmmmm...okay' with my brain still preoccupied with what to write. "Already written a post about grandma with 1000 violins playing in the background for the previous contest... May be I should write about random women like cab drivers, roadside vendors or even better, watch some videos online from the foundation that helps old and poor people on road and get inspired to recreate the sentiment with 1000*1000 violins in the background...Nah! What if it becomes a blooper and I hear 1000*1000 chorus laughter instead!Enakku illa enakku illa...Blogger extraordinaire title enakku illa!" All of a sudden, I heard a voice,"Main hoon na...Write about me!" That's when I realised hiyyoo mindvoice nu nenachi satthama pesitoma (I just increased the volume of my mind voice and announced it with my inbuilt mic). My mom continued- "Write about how good I am ... How much your mom has done..etc etc...Listen to all Amma sentiment songs so that you'll get into that feel". I had a one-eyebrow-raised expression. Until then, I didn't have the slightest idea to write and this line inspired me- "Remember this, I will not spare you if you tease or write anything bad about me". :P Challenge Accepted! *Ross-quiz-master tone*

I'm sure you'll remember the epic scene of 'Mere Pass ma hai". So if someone who is being trolled ruthlessly online comes to me and says 'Mere pass memes hain, trolls hain, stand-up comedians hain...tere pass kya hai?' I would wipe my tears and respond - 'Mere Pass Ma Hai'! Yes! Her full-time job is to troll me royally and part time job is being my mom (occasionally). If you assign everyone a Game of Thrones character, my mom is definitely Olenna Tyrell , at least when I'm at the receiving end. She has an answer to everything..EVERYTHING  that I ask or tell.

So a few days back, I was giving her a detailed explanation of 'Depression'. I was explaining her the medical reasons, symptoms and how the close circle should look out. My idea was to spread awareness (Nah! To show off that I read an article). She heard everything for 20 minutes and then replies, 'Go eat... You are hungry!'. I was literally the personification of Skype's open-mouth smiley. I was almost patting my back that I made my mom understand what a depression is and she disregards the entire stuff with just one line- "Go eat...You are hungry". According to my mom root-cause to all problems in the world is my hunger. India-Pakistan war- Aishu, go eat! A man was murdered in his house- Aishu, you are hungry! Aliens attack- Aishu, you get cranky when you are hungry.  I didn't give up, I'm the Bethal of Vikramaditya ...So I prolonged (*my bad*), 'Amma...I'm telling you something so important and you didn't even bother to listen. She- "Yeah I heard! Only when you are hungry, you tend to talk like this." Me continuing the drama-" This why people get into depression. You are ignorant! If tomorrow I get into depression , you won't be able to identify." *killer-blow* After a 2-second pause -"There is another fact..'People who cause depression will not be affected by it. You are very safe!" *savage*
My mom has never been the lovey-dovey...Oh! My poor Baby- kind. If I get hurt, bruised my knee... I'll be asked to wash my leg and play again while I used to see moms fuss when there is even a slight cut. When she used to walk me back from school (Primary), I would be carrying my 100kg heavy bag and 100g heavy lunch back while other parents used to immediately grab the bag..This special treatment was only with me... When she had to pick up some otehr kid along with me , she used to pick up the bags or even carry the kid and walk home... I would be walking home, carrying the extra 50g of lunch-bag of that random kid and would be giving a sad look to thenpandi cheemayile therodum veedhiyile ...maan pola vandhavalai yaar adicharo (sad song) song sung by every passerby seeing my pathetic-state *Atleast 2 violins in this scene please* Going by the cold treatment I got from my mom, I was having this doubt that I might have been adopted :P So I decided to confront the truth (* again bad idea*) and asked my mom, 'Am I adopted? Tell the truth... Did you get me from dustbin *dramaqueen in me*?' Thought I added enough sentiment to the scene and was having two kinds of ending planned to this scene in my head

Option A- "How can you utter such words? You are the apple of our eyes...I had undergone so much pain to get you to this world and you *sob* *sob* - Scene...Rejected! May be it would have been a very sentimental scene in movie but this can never be my mom's reply

Option B- "What did you do today? Threw the food I packed or Did you get your Maths paper? You'll create a scene just to cover up - Possibilities are high...My mom can link up everything and can keep me in the accused cell forever.

But the scene had a very different ending

Actual reply- "I don't think I would be dumb enough to get you. Who will get into trouble knowing it is a trouble!" *cuts apple and dumps in my mouth to symbolically show that you are stumped and speechless* 'You are adopted!' would have sounded more soothing to my wounded heart at that moment.

One more final incident to make my heart lighter and then I'll let the curtains fall. This happened very recently ( 2 hrs back from when I started this post)...One of my friend along with her daughters has visted Rajini and put up the pic in FB. I told it to my mom and asked - "You never took me to meet Rajini. Look at her, just cos her kids wanted, she arranged it somehow." My mom's reply- "Why will we arrange? You yourself act like a celebrity at home. You'll keep your legs on the table, lie on couch and order everyone around to get things done for you... So we always have a feeling that we are all maids to a celebrity and we never get a feel of meeting any new one!" *pointing towards me- onakku idhu thevaya *(Sub: Why did you have to ask her?)

There is still lots more to tell about the woman in my life but can't go on writing Part 1...Part N... I'm glad that I'm able to share my sad state with you, good-hearted readers. After reading this, if any of you have an idea of adopting me, please don't speak to my mom, she'll talk you out of it.

@mom- Did you also believe everything I told above?... Haiyyyyo Haiyyyyoo....April fool...Cha...Belated April fool! All I meant was 'My mommmmmyy is the besssssssttttt mommmmy in the whole world'...Let me dedicate the below drawing to you....Smile Pleeeej :P *usss habba* *wipes sweat on the forehead*